After experiencing some “relationship technicalities” there are some things that I had wished I had known or at least thought about before I got married, which would have made a divorce unnecessary or at least easier to go through.
I know a lot of these things people know about and just kind of blatantly ignore because “love” is supposed to last forever and the person you’re with you plan on being with forever, but that doesn’t always work out that way.
The divorce rate in the United States is over 50% and while I’d like to join you on your fantasy and wish that your marriage would last forever, statistically speaking, it’s unlikely, sorry everyone!
No one gets into a relationship or gets married thinking it’s going to end, but for one reason or another a lot do. Here are some of the things I wish I had thought about or known about prior to getting married. These things are not all just for married people, most of them will help any serious relationship gain footing and last longer.
1. Prenuptial Agreement.
If you don’t have anything of value then you can probably ignore this but over half the people who get divorced wish they had had one of these in place. Donald Trump highly recommends it and apparently he’s somewhat of a professional at marriage and divorce since he’s gone through several. Mr Trump said something around the lines of only 5% of first marriages have a prenuptial agreement but over 20% of second marriages have one. You see, people learn after all. This isn’t something easy to ask, but if someone refuses to marry you due to a prenuptial agreement, it could be a clear warning sign to you, according to Mr Trump
.
2. Joint Anything.
At some point and time it may seem like a good idea to have a joint checking account, a joint loan, a joint mortgage, a joint credit card, or something else joint. My advice, plain and simple, don’t do it. Keep your finances separated. Keep your vehicles separate. Keep everything you can separate. If you support your significant other or they take care of the bills do not go beyond setting up a checking account where you deposit your share in or the minimal required to shop and pay bills that month. Don’t get into the habit of what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is yours, because it creates conflict and if you do actually go through a divorce, they’re going to feel entitled to everything that’s yours and you may not be okay with that deal anymore at that point.
3. Business.
Never, ever, under any circumstances go into business with your significant other unless you have very specific clear expectations, roles, and responsibilities agreed upon in writing. Working with your spouse creates extra tension in every relationship and at some point when you argue about business it becomes hard to separate from personal. It’s a losing situation all around. If you decide to go into business with your spouse you will inherently sacrifice a large segment of your personal relationship with them.
4. Living Together.
I understand that if I suggested you don’t live with each other that it might be a deal breaker for the relationship. I honestly wish in my marriage I had rented a house down the street or got a duplex or a house next door to my wife. Things would have been a lot better. I have found that each person has a different cleanliness schedule and standard. Everyone has their own routines and their own way of organizing things. It would be ideal to have separate everything. I realize that’s not possible because you probably have a “joint” house…tsss tsss shame on you, but what you can do is maintain separate areas if you can. Have separate bedrooms, bathrooms, sinks, hobby rooms, anything you can separate do it and make rules that the other person has no say in those areas. It’s your country and your land, you’re the king and you make the rules for those areas. This doesn’t mean you can’t share the space or sleep with each other or anything else. It means have a designated area for yourselves, as many as you can, to maintain your own unique and individualistic self. Don’t end up two half people at the end of the day making one person. Be your own person and add to the other person.
5. Friends.
Sharing friends is okay but maintain your own friend base. Do not have only joint and mutual friends. If something goes bad you’ll probably lose most of them as they won’t want to make a decision on who’s side to be on during a dispute. Keep your own friend base, your own activities, and your own interests. This doesn’t mean your significant other can’t come out with these friends or spend time with them, it just means, have a group of friends that don’t hang out with your significant other without you because they are your friends, not your spouses.
6. Participate in Everything.
In my marriage it was my job to provide the income and work. And that’s what I did. Meanwhile, I missed out on a lot of things, mainly my kids because my wife assumed all responsibility of them and didn’t really find a way to include me in anything. Whenever I asked or inquired she made me feel like I was intruding in her thing. It was her job to raise the kids. So I did what I could with them but she was the one who took them to the doctors, took them to dance, and so forth. She also arranged all of the house so I never could figure out where things were. She did a lot that I didn’t participate in. It took awhile to figure out what all she did and I’m still learning because now I have to do it myself. So whether or not you get divorced doesn’t matter, you should participate in everything. I know in business it makes sense to have people specialize in specific tasks to assembly line things, and while relationships are kind of like a business, I just told you above not to go into business with your spouse. So get involved in any way you can.
7. Say I love you, hug, kiss, and fuck all that you can.
With my marriage failing on almost every point above, all of the passion, lust, and love was destroyed from the relationship and replaced with anger, hatred, resentment, and so many other negative feelings toward each other. We took each other for granted and didn’t really notice or appreciate anything each other did. It became an expectation for me to work and I expected her to do the laundry and cook dinner. Eventually we were in business but not and we hated it. So don’t forget that there is another human being in the house with freedom of choice. They chose you, and they are choosing to be with you everyday. Don’t take them for granted.
8. Expectations.
Get rid of them. Remember when you first met your spouse, what did you expect of them? Pretty much nothing right? That’s why relationships are so magical in the beginning, you have no expectations from them. First off, you don’t have joint anything which is a huge bonus because those come with expectations. You’re not living together etc. So all that you expect from them is to have a great time when you’re around them. Unfortunately, the more intertwined you get with someone the more demanding you get, even if you don’t realize it. You might start to expect dinner, returned phone calls promptly, and so many other things that pressures the other person and starts to degrade the quality of the relationship. If you could live each day like you just met your spouse and let them continuously surprise and exceed your expectations, you will be happy with them forever.
9. Listen.
At some point you think you know everything about the other person so when they do try to tell you something new you don’t listen. They might be trying to tell you how they feel or giving you key indicators as to the status of your relationship and their happiness. Both my spouse and I ignored each others complaints for years and years, until it was so unbearable. Nothing ever got fixed or resolved and eventually things exploded. If either of us had taken the time to listen, it would have helped substantially.
10. End it before starting anew.
If the shit isn’t working then it’s not working. End your current relationship before you start a new one. Don’t go on dates or threaten the other person thinking that you can force them into changing, they won’t, and you’ll create double the problems. You will go from having a spouse to having an enemy and they will return anything you do to them. When you get into a battle where you’re trying to show each other up in that fashion, then what’s the point of the relationship? Just end it and walk the fuck away.
Just like it’s the silence between the notes that makes the music, it’s the separation between the people that makes the relationship magical. Without separation you can never fully realize how important that person was to you or how much you may need or want them in your life. You won’t know how much you miss them and so much more.
It’s called a dichotomy, you have to have the other half of everything. Without happiness there is no sadness. Without love there can be no hate. There cannot be tall people without short people. These things are created by having something to compare to. You cannot be truly happy without ever experiencing unhappiness. It’s the lows that make the highs and the highs that make the lows.
Don’t get stuck in a continuous energy battle by always being around each other and butting heads. You’ll destroy your relationship 10 out of 10 times. Now there are some people who are married that spend all day together and somehow survive, they are called friends. While they probably don’t love each other as lovers would consider it, they have a mutually respectable friendship, maybe even with benefits, but they never reach their full relationship potential. This is okay, some people are okay with this type of arrangement, and I’m sure there are exceptions to this as well. But if you’re in the majority like the rest of us. The shit’s not going to happen so give it up.
Most of the things above are recommendations to keep yourself as an individual and to create separation. Separation is actually key to a healthy relationship. You have to have something new to tell each other each day or you’ll get bored. If you spend everyday all day together, you’ll get sick of that person, I don’t care if you’re spending the rest of your life with Jesus Christ, eventually you’ll be like “Jesus Christ this guy is annoying, all he does is talk about healing the sick and dying for my sins.” You need separation of mind and energy. Go for a run or exercise on your own. Play video games on your own. Find a hobby and do it on your own. Even if it’s a bath or something you do for 30 minutes a day for yourself, have your own time.
Leave a Reply