There are many things you should never do during an argument or confrontation with anyone, unless you’re just arguing for the fun of it or want to get into a fist fight or have someone hate you. But if you want to actually get something constructive from an argument and solve a problem then read the following ten things and if you catch yourself doing any of them during a fight, then I hope you’ll stop and reconsider what you want to accomplish.
Don’t Ignore The Problem
Unfortunately a lot of people think they can simply ignore problems and they go away. So they ignore the problem or they just bite their lip and take the pain it’s causing them. They don’t say anything, they let the problem fester and continue and bury it deep down inside of them.
What eventually happens is the problem becomes so unbearable that one day it all comes out in a fury. You’ll say and do a lot of things you’ll regret later. The worst part about it all is that the other person won’t even understand where you’re coming from when you snap.
They might have done something simple like forget to put their glass away and you explode on them unleashing years worth of neglect and anger. When the dust settles, you look like an asshole, an idiot, and you probably caused a lot of irreparable damage and harm to anyone that witnessed it.
Don’t Attack Another Person’s Character
You’re most likely having this conversation, debate, or argument for a reason and you’re looking to solve a problem. Don’t sink to a level in the midst of an emotional battle of attacking the other person’s character.
Stay focused and on the problem. Telling someone about their weaknesses not only sidetracks the argument but it makes the argument useless to have after that point. It’s hard to continue a conversation with anyone when all they try to do is put you down instead of addressing the issue at hand.
Don’t Generalize, Exaggerate, Or Be Sarcastic
Using any of these tactics above will immediately shift the focus of an argument. You may cause the other person to defend themselves, make excuses, or they’ll simply stop listening to what you’re saying all together.
You know what I’m talking about. This is where someone you’re in confrontation with uses terms like everyone, always, makes things bigger than they really are, or makes sarcastic remarks. It’s nearly impossible to continue in a constructive way once these lines are dropped.
“Everyone thinks you’re a…” “Everyone I know would agree with me…” “You’re always…” “This always happens..” “You do this every time…” You do this all the time…”
These all result in conversation useless. First off, it’s unrealistic to make such claims. Who is everyone? Obviously, not everyone will ever agree with you on anything. You’re always? Always when? You mean I do this every single time? Again, not possible.
Generalizations are the last resort of someone who has no real argument. They try to either put you down or they try to draw imaginary others into the conversation to gain credibility. Conversation over is the result.
Exaggerations have the same effect. “Thanks to you not going to work today, we’re going to starve to death.” “Because you didn’t put your shoes away someone might trip and die.” These also result in conversation over.
Sarcastic remarks, well you know the type, they aren’t part of a constructive argument either.
Lose all of these things when in confrontation with someone or lose respect of the person you’re in confrontation with, they’ll never treat you the same or want to listen to you in a serious manner again.
Don’t Start It Off As A Know-it-all
If you want to raise the chances of you getting kicked in the face then by all means start an intense debate as a know-it-all. No one likes a condescending asshole, so don’t be one.
Everyone has something to learn and no one knows everything. It doesn’t matter what you do for work, where you went to school, or anything else for that matter. Start off with the spirit of wanting to learn something from another person.
If you take the approach of knowing it all then you can’t connect with another person at the level necessary to solve conflict.
Andre Gide is credited with saying “Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.”
In other words, if you approach a conversation and make it seem like a joint effort to get to the truth instead of proclaiming you already know it, then you will be successful in solving problems. Even if you already know the answer it is much better to guide the other person in the direction you want them to get to, in order to discover what you know, simply by asking questions.
Imagine looking something up together to seek a joint answer rather than you showing someone something you read after you’ve belittled them and made them feel bad. In which scenario do you think they are going to be receptive to you?
Whether or not you actually are right, you’re still an asshole, and no one likes an asshole. So take the time to work as a team to solve problems together. You’ll not only gain a friend, you’ll also help change a mind.
Common phrases you’ll hear from people who think they know everything. Note to self, these are the things you say that makes someone want to just reach back and punch you as hard as they can right between the eyes.
If you’ve ever used any of these phrases or related phrases to try to gain credibility or prove a point or to bypass proving something, then you probably deserve to be punched in the face. As a matter of fact, go punch yourself in the face right now and save the rest of us the hassle.
“Well I would know, I’ve been doing this for 20 years.”
“I went to school for this, I have a degree.”
“I have a friend who’s a xxx”
“Its my job”
Don’t Jump To Other Issues
This happens all too frequently. A discussion turns into an argument, an argument turns into a fight, and after awhile you both stop and ask the same question. “How the hell did we get on this topic?” or “What the hell we’re we even fighting about?”
During any conversation or argument or debate you’re naturally going to say or do something that reminds you of other things, however, if you don’t stick to the issue at hand then you’ll never solve the problem you were having.
This can also waste a lot of time, you’ll end up talking a little bit about everything but never really focusing on the one thing you were hoping to solve.
Never Use Ultimatums Or Threats
When you start to use threats or ultimatums in an argument, whatever it is that you were talking about, immediately fades into nothingness. The focus of the conversation then shifts to that specific ultimatum or threat.
This causes the other person to counter attack or defend themselves. This can go on for a long time back and forth, getting worse as it goes, and you still didn’t solve the issue that caused the argument in the first place.
Don’t Be Disrespectful
This includes rolling your eyes, shaking your head, and using cliche’s like “duh” or “you’re stupid” etc. Don’t use your body to be disrespectful and don’t be sarcastic or insult the other person with cliches.
It makes the other person feel like they’re wasting their time with you and it makes you look like a complete idiot.
Don’t Interrupt
Everyone probably knows what it’s like to be interrupted and it’s not a great feeling. Let the other person finish what they are saying, pay attention, wait until they are done to start speaking. Listen to what they are saying.
If you show them respect and that you value what they have to say, when it’s your turn to talk they will take the time to return the favor. If you keep interrupting them they will stop trying to explain stuff to you and you’ll find yourself sitting there talking while no one is listening to a damn thing you’re saying.
Don’t Raise Your Voice
This frequently happens due to being interrupted or to interrupt someone else because you don’t feel like they’ve understood anything you’ve said.
Soft words can calm anger but loud words will incite anger only make matters worse.
The other times people raise their voice is for what’s called a shouting match. When there’s a shouting match going on it’s usually two people insulting each other. I don’t believe that’s ever solved any problems ever.
Never Walk Away Until It’s Over
The only time it’s ever appropriate to walk away from an argument is if it becomes emotionally or verbally abusive. Until then, if you want to show you respect the other person, you had better stay and participate.
Just because you have been proven wrong, someone doesn’t agree, or you don’t feel like you’re getting your point across, does not justify just walking away. If you can’t stand in and solve a problem and get your points across then you have issues. Walking away just shows that you are disrespectful and uncaring and I’d be surprised if the other person doesn’t return the favor or stop talking to you all together the next time you want to discuss something.
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Positive Fighting – Veronica Gamez
You are forgetting that arguments involve anger that can quickly escalate, especially if the argument is one-sided. If one person is monopolizing the discussion and refuses to hear what the other has to say, the other is entitled (and should) to walk away as a protest as resentment and hostility builds.
He did mention that it’s okay to walk away if the argument becomes abusive. If your opponent isn’t letting you speak carrying on some other unfair tactics, that’s abusive.
Ron,recently a young man was driving eractly on the highway and almost hit my car and almost ran me off the road I rode up beside him to tell him what he had done and his response was pull ahead of me and then slammed on his breaks trying to casue me to rear end him. I got angry of course, and I thought he began pointing for me to pull off with him to dicuss it (fight). I was so angry and I fear no one especially where my life and property has just been threaten so he pulled off the highway and I followed him into a BEST BUY parking lot. He got out his truck and I got out my Honda Fit and we met in the middle of the parking lot face to face he was right up in my face and I pushed him back, not hard, but just enough to get him out of my face. I told him if continued with his idiotic driving his was going to get someone killed or get himself killed sooner or later. As I was about to turn and walk back to my car this guy punches me if the face breaking my nose and blood goes everywhere I tried to defend myself but I could hardly see him from being dazed by the punch and the blood flowing out of my nose. He continued punching me and I could not stop him. I carry a small knife on my belt for protection and menial task. I pulled the knife out just to scare him to cease hitting me in the face. It worked and he ran off into the parking lot. Someone called the police and the young man who punched me showed back up with an aledged witness but he was alone when he go out of his truck. I told the police what happenned and the police interviewed the young man and police charged me with aggravated assault and took me to jail and let him go. How do you see what happpend and do you think I was in the wrong even after thinking about the whole thing and remembering back when I was about the age of this young man and did the samething on the highway to a truck Driver and he did the samething with me that I did with the young man, the differnce was I was stunned by what the truck driver said to me that to this day it changed my life and my driving perspective forever, he said to me, “son if you continue doing what you just did in front of my truck you are going to become another statistic, you’re a young man with your whole life ahead of you and do you want to wind up dead because of your foolishness”? I was stunned and to this day, and I am 60 years old, I have a perfect driving record not even a speeding ticket. I simply want to extend this same idea to this young man and let it go but instead it blew up in my face literally. Ron, I made a mistake in trying to do something that was done for me the world has changed and I should have understood this. I did try to walk away but…………
I’ve got to agree with Ron on this point. I was taught that it was the mature thing to do. I’ll even go so far as to add that pursuing someone with your railing accusations when they walk away is despicable behavior.
I think it’s fair to take a “time out” when voices are raised, insults start, etc. BUT: you must say you’re taking a time-out, why you’re taking a time-out (“I need to cool down and think”), and give them an idea of when you think you’ll be ready to return and that you really want to resolve the problem. If it’s a love interest, a little “I love you and we’ll figure this out” goes a long way. When you’re mad it’s hard to muster that up, but it helps connect the two of you and calm the air.
Walking away is OK when it’s escalating! But be respectful and tell the other party that we can continue later when everything calmest down..
Yeah Ron, but wouldn’t it be more civilized if the other person would announce the departure first???
I would agree with walking away as well, BUT give a time (30 minutes) that conversation will continue so both sides know that it isn’t a power play. Then each person can calm down and get ready to approach the issue in a better sense of mind.
A useful format is a 5 minute discussion.
1. Person one has one minute (maximum) to tell their concern. They can’t get too wordy or emotional, they only have a minute.
2. Person 2 has one minute to paraphrase and make sure they understand everything. This is not an opportunity for person #1 to reiterate or continue. Just confirm the understanding.
3. Person 2 has one minute (maximum) now to give their concern on the topic
4. Person 1 has one minute to paraphrase
5. Now what are some solutions, Throw ideas around. Some will work. some are throw aways. Some you might tweek.
I agree with this suggestion as being rational and helpful. It has become obvious to me that because my “other” refuses to participate in any conversation of importance to me, that he uses this walk away tactic as a way of empowering himself and shirking any responsibility. There is nothing I can do to prevent or counter this, and it gives him the upper hand at all times. These exits NEVER involve even the slightest commitment to returning to the argument as there is no tolerance for confrontation, no matter how diplomatic I have tried to be.
I had a argument with my advocate lady we parted on bad terms how do I put this right I have apologised I would like to see my advocate lady again but the manager is being adamant on this at the moment
I honestly have to disagree with the rest of the comments here. I think the article is on point. Walking away from an argument is one of the worst things someone can do. You get taught as a kid “just walk away. its the mature solution” but its actually pretty childish and does more to piss off the person you’re arguing with even more than they probably are already. Its basically the equivalent to covering your ears and saying “lalala”. Walking away is super disrespectful and it makes the problem worse.
Thank you for pointing this out Dave. I agree that it is very disrespectful and only adds flames to the fire.
I agree with Dave and it’s refreshing to hear it said.
Do you know what’s disrespectful? When you’re in a never ending fight which started about a phone but somehow has turned into one about how each other is a bitch or bastard etc. What is the point to continue to speak at that point. You say “let’s walk away from this and cool off and come back in 10 minutes. In those ten minutes when your heart rate and adrenaline are down you will begin to think rationale. You’ll both usually realize how horrible it was what you said to each other. In the heat of the moment we say things because we naturally want to win the argument. However in those 10 minutes when you’re back to yourself you’ll think “I can’t believe I called so and so a bitch. I was mad because they plugged their phone into my computer although it’s not my responsibility to charge their phone. Then they woke me up in the night and said “why isn’t my work phone charged? Im the second in charge of my work place and need my phone charged. I can’t believe you’d unplug it.” Instead of being angry The person might say “listen babe I know you were annoyed but I am not responsible for your work phone. As you said you are second in charge and so you should have a charger and charge your own phone. However I am sorry.” SIMPLE
Good list. I was having a conversation with a co-worker last week and not understanding what she was trying to tell me, so a couple of times, I told her “I’m really sorry — I’m not following your train of thought here — can you say that in I different way? I’m having a little trouble.” She promptly turned, mumbled “Rude…” and walked off. This wasn’t the first time she’s done this when I’ve said — very, very politely — “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean. Can you help me understand?” I offended me to no end that I was trying to communicate effectively and to be so …dismissed and later told that I was making HER angry. She might as well have rolled her eyes, said “Whatever” the walked off, mid-conversation.
I completely disagree.
I walk away from my husband sometimes because I do not want to fight with him…not because I am disrespectful or a bad communicator. (And I do let him know when I’m walking away) When the conversation becomes an argument, I don’t see the value in continuing if we’ve reached an impasse that prevents mutual understanding. Personally, I am happy to move on without resolution. Nothing’s really changed between us…I still love my husband. I’m just not going to fight with him when we aren’t making progress. It’s not about winning or losing – it’s not about being a “better” communicator – it’s simply about not wanting to fight. That is not bad communication or “disrespectful”. I actually think it’s combative to continue an argument that you know is going down the wrong path, especially when emotions are involved, and when the initial point of the conversation has little chance. Depending on what the matter is, resolution is not always a necessity..and that is why I choose to walk away.
Only thing worse than fighting is intentionally walking away leaving things unresolved – just because YOU don’t want to fight or face the issue at hand. Only a matter of time before resentment builds up on his side and he walks away for good without feeling a need to resolve or have any final talk or explanation for however he may react due to the built up unresolved resentment.
But then again, if he is ok with not having to finish disagreements then maybe he might be a compatible match. Although, I believe odds are this is most likely not the case.
I was recently having a heated discussion with my partner. I felt like he was being much more aggressive with what he was saying, and then he made an accusation that seemed completely out of the blue and terribly paranoid. I was shaking and was going to start crying, as what he said really hurt. I wanted to get out of the public place, stood up, thanked him for the drink and said “I’m out” and left. He made no effort to stop me or come with me. I emailed him about 24 hours later to say that I wanted to get together for a quiet chat…but have not seen or heard from him since (have emailed twice more). Two weeks have passed….
I’m not sure if this has been remedied it not, if you still haven’t heard from him yet, you don’t want to be with him anyways, if he’s going to avoid communicating with you than the relationship is not a healthy one and he seems to be controlling, DO NOT chase after him, if he can walk away jystblike that than there’s no respect for you and no cherishing of your feelings, no give on his part, DONT SETTLE
My husband does this. Doesn’t help solve any problems except to make him feel better that he has the power to end the conversation. When this becomes the pattern, it’s inferiorating! Anyone who does this is basically telling you “look don’t bring up an issue I don’t like, or this is what you get”. It is one of tue most controlling things a partner could do. They are saying “I am so unable to deal with and keep control of my own emotions, it’s much easier FOR ME to just control you instead. Sound selfish? Yes, very much.
Walking away without a reason and specifically naming another time to resume is what it is – a very controlling tactic used by a bully.
I think if people need to walk away from an argument, they should for to separate parts of the house for a little while to calm down then pick up where they left off, but in a calmer state. I’ve been in an argument with my partner for 5 days now, because he thinks it’s OK to leave the house and not talk at all til the next day, which may last 10-20 minutes til we pick up the issue again, then he’s gone again. It feels like we’re never coming to a resolution.
Been there. I wanted to talk about it and all he wanted to do was control the whole thing. refused to talk about it in a mature way. he would use the argument to go be with his “boyfriends”. His aggressiveness, verbal, mental and emotional abuse turned into physical. I was not allowed to say how I feel, he did not care and I would cower and walk on eggshells. If someone starts that kind of argument, they want to control you. It did no good to discuss the problems, because he was a controller. Bad thing is when that happens, the kids learn to repeat history.