Urine Eating Chicken From Outer Space

It was a typical family night spent watching television in the living room. We had just finished watching a show and I decided to go sit on the front steps outside.

My wife and I, along with both of our daughters, lived in a single wide trailer. We lived in a remote area with very few neighbors — our trailer was one of the few that actually had a basement.

We were surrounded by trees in every direction except the front of our home overlooked a corn field sitting on rolling hills. The corn was overly ripe and ready for harvest, the stalks were beginning to turn yellow with the trees, as they do every fall season.

It was a warm afternoon, warm for this time of year. The sun was hot but the breeze was cool — my favorite kind of weather.

The sky was partly cloudy but as I stared at it, I began to notice it was darkening beyond the cornfield at an alarming rate. I must have been going crazy — I went inside to get my wife.

We sat and watched the sky. The sky grew darker and darker by the minute. Heat lightning began to pulsate through the clouds making big flashes in the sky. We began to hear the sound of thunder and then lightning began striking the ground off in the distance.

We had learned from tv how to calculate the distance of the storm, for every second between lightning and thunder, the storm was one mile away.

The lightning struck and we began to count, “1, 2, 3, 4”. Then we heard the sound of thunder. Okay the storm is about four miles away. We saw lightning again and began to count, “1, 2, 3” We were about to say 4 so we called it 3 and a half.

The lightning struck again but this time it didn’t just flash, it lingered longer than it should have as if it was intentionally passing electricity into the ground. We began counting, “1, 2, 3, 4”

“Well obviously that show we saw was bullshit,” I said to her, “Have you ever seen lightning like that?”

“Nope.”

Lightning struck again, this time the lightning didn’t go away, it continued to pour electricity in the ground like it was an exposed copper wire transferring energy. At the center of the lightning beam, about halfway between the ground and the sky, a big ball started to build in the middle of it, growing bigger and bigger by the second.

It kept growing in the shape of a saucer spreading across the sky. The lightning disappeared but the saucer did not, instead, it started moving toward us. We sat there watching it like it was in slow motion wondering what it was as it crept its way toward us.

 

We began to realize it might actually collide with our house. We ran inside and told the kids to get into the basement. I directed them to sit under the pool table, it was the safest location I could think of if the lightning orb was to hit our house.

We were all crouched under the pool table when we saw a big flash of light out of the basement window into our back yard. Whatever it was went over the top of our roof and hit somewhere back there.

Dirt flew everywhere, even hitting the window, but the impact had made no sound whatsoever — we went to investigate.

My wife and I emerged from the front of our house — the sky was no longer dark and every trace of the storm had vanished. My wife called up one of her girlfriends that lived nearby to talk about the storm while I began to walk around to the backyard.

“Mary are you guys okay? That was the craziest lightning storm I’ve ever seen.” I heard my wife say as the sound of her voice trailed off the further I got away.

It didn’t take long to find what I was looking for. About 50 feet from my house in the woods there was a hole in the ground. I ran over and just stood there looking at it, moments later my wife joined me.

“Mary thought I was playing a joke on her,” she began, “she said that there wasn’t any storm or lightning and had no idea what I was talking about. She asked me if I was feeling okay…”

My wife saw what I was looking at and went silent.

“It looked a lot bigger than that, didn’t it?” was all I could think of to say.

She nodded.

The hole we had found in our backyard was about the size of a shovel on any ordinary tractor, no more than 6 feet wide by a few feet deep. I looked off in the direction of where it hit and saw a path that spanned off into the woods, where whatever it was, had skipped across the ground. The path went deep into the woods further than we could see.

It looked like one of those meteor paths you see in a Superman movie. I wasn’t sure if I should expect to find an alien space ship at the end or not. I wasn’t really sure that this was reality anymore and for a minute I thought I might be dreaming but when I looked at my wife and saw she was fully dressed, I quickly scratched that thought.

There was nothing left for us to do except follow it to see where it went.

We must have walked for at least 30 minutes before we saw anything and when we did we still had no idea what we we’re looking at. Laying on the ground in front of us was a heap of dirt and something that looked like a walrus wearing a space outfit, helmet and all.

I grabbed a stick and moved it, a black fluid dripped out of it, but whatever it was it did not move. We had never been this far into the woods before. Another 50 yards away we saw some type of old grocery store that looked as if it had been long over run.

Trees and vines covered it from plain sight and there were no roads nor any evidence that there had been roads that led to this store. Not a single lamppost or light and no glass in the would be windows. The store was of considerable size similar to a modern day Walgreens.

We entered and the first thing we noticed was that the ceilings were very high. They had to be at least 12 feet high and consisted of rafters laced with boards, probably used as storage space.

It appeared to be a normal store but some of the items I had never seen before. I picked up a small plastic squirt gun. There was a label on it that read, “Warning: This Hydro Squirter causes temporary blindness, keep away from the eyes.”

I thought this was odd but held onto it. After examining several other strange items we decided to go back and try to figure out what to do with the dead walrus.

When we got back to the mound of dirt, the walrus looking creature was gone. Instead of getting out of there like we probably should have, we decided to go back to the store to look for it. It seemed like a place a wounded creature could hide and we weren’t ready to go home yet.

We found nothing but I decided use what was left of the store restrooms — I couldn’t hold it anymore, I have to pee when I’m anxious. After locating the restroom and finishing my business I stepped out of the restroom to see a big chicken on the other side of the store.

It occurred to me that I may want to reconsider whether or not I was dreaming — this chicken must have been about 10 feet tall. It was walking towards us like it was a wind up toy — oblivious to our presence. We hid behind a support post anyway but it was still coming toward us. It was wearing a sign around it’s neck that read: “Do Not Feed, Urine Eating Chicken.”

“Quick shoot it with your squirt gun.” my wife said. I looked at her like she was fucking crazy but as this massive chicken got closer, the idea sounded better.

When it was within range I shot at it’s eye, hitting it a few times, but the chicken kept on walking passed us as if we weren’t there. It went into the bathroom I just came out of and we slipped away toward the exit.

On our way out we saw a totem pole with stuffed animals on it that we hadn’t noticed before. One of the animals was a 3 foot tall Walrus wearing a spacesuit. I have no idea why but I tried talking to it. “What the hell is going on?” I said expecting an answer.

The walrus opened one eye and said, “Shhh…hide quickly, the chicken is eating and will become angry.”

“What!?!?…You can talk?”

There was a loud bang and the mens bathroom door slid passed me on the ground. I turned around to see the chicken, I looked at him, and he was looking right back at me. He no longer appeared to be robotic. I turned to find my wife, she was already hanging next to the Walrus on the pole pretending to be a stuffed animal, “Must be nice to be small.” I thought.

I turned back to face the chicken and he was charging at me. I began to climb the totem pole in hopes of reaching the rafters. I climbed as far as I could and then I jumped and grabbed the nearest rafter.

With my legs swinging wildly in the air, I couldn’t help thinking that I was about to be the next victim of a Jaws movie where the shark bites onto their legs just as they are about to escape. I struggled to pull myself up, my legs barely missing the chickens first bite.

The chicken went into a frenzy and began jumping through the rafters at me. I pushed his beak away barely keeping my hand as it just missed his bite. I began to jump from rafter to rafter and climbing across board after board, hoping I could escape. Boards were flying and rafters were being broken, this chicken was determined.

I quickly said a prayer to God, promising to never eat at KFC again if he would just let me live this time. I don’t know if it worked or not but somehow the chicken had lost track of me. I was laying on a piece of plywood about 20 feet away from where the chicken was frantically clawing at another board that it thought I was on.

I rolled over, and there was that damn walrus again. He handed me a bag of fluid and said, “You’re going to have to feed this to the chicken.”