The decision to kill yourself does not have to be a long ordeal, sometimes the decision to die and execution of that decision are made within minutes of each other. To take your own life, the closer those two things are, the more likely you are to go through with it.
There are many kinds of suicides and attempts for many different reasons. There are many types of mental illnesses or drugs that can lead you to death faster. Depression is often blamed for most suicides.
I’m not willing to attempt to understand or downplay mental illnesses.
The people who are more likely to go through with suicide, do so quietly. Those that you see standing on top of bridges and talking about killing themselves are more than likely just desperate for attention. These suicides have a high chance of prevention because the people who threaten to kill themselves have not yet fully committed to the act.
Those that commit do so quietly and promptly. It’s like a game of clue — with a gun or knife in any room but self-induced. A high place to leap from, oncoming traffic to step out into, a way to drown, a way to hang, or maybe some extra pills to swallow.
There are decisions to be made and you may be surprised that it rarely has to do with how the ones that love you will feel when you leave them behind. The reason why this isn’t considered is because people that are willing to commit to suicide rarely feel anything anymore.
They do not feel pain, they feel nothing, just hollow.
Those that still can feel pain there is still hope for, they are the ones that consider leaving others behind, the ones that can be talked down from the ledge, the ones that talk themselves out of it, the ones that seek help, and the ones that get “saved.”
For all others, the ones that are committed, nobody really knows its coming, most people end up acting surprised.
What really stops most people from killing themselves is fear.
Not fear of death, not fear for loved ones, but the fear of messing up the suicide and not being able to finish the job.
The guy that jumped from the building and is now a paraplegic, is no longer able to take his own life, and with more reason than ever before to do so.
The person that nearly drowned or hanged themselves and was brought back to life too late and now they are a vegetable, trapped in a garden of their own making, unable to finish the job.
Broken bones from jumps, deformities or disabilities from wrongly placed bullets, and the list goes on.
The greatest fear that prevents people from committing suicide is the potential inability to make a second attempt if the first should fail.
They lose their options, they no longer get a choice, and choices are our free will. Without free will, life would be torturous, so most that consider suicide, do not attempt it.
Some people write letters…that’s nice of them. At least that helps solve the whole “why they did it” mystery.
These letters come in all sorts of shapes and sizes from the “fuck you world” to “I’m sorry” to “I’m in pain” to “I love you all”.
Suicides happen for all kinds of different reasons. To be with a loved one, a serious financial disaster that you can’t face, a relationship gone wrong, deteriorating health, a lack of a sense of belonging, and so much more.
But then there is Robin Williams who committed suicide at the age of 63.
Not your typical case.
When you think of suicide you think of the junior high kid that is tired of being picked on at school. You think of the guy or gal in their twenties that is really struggling with their life and doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. You think of the mid life crisis person whose dreams didn’t come true.
But you don’t think of an older successful person doing such a thing, that’s not your stereotypical suicide.
When you think of rich people dying, the first thing that pops into your mind is accidental drug overdose or reckless behavior, not an intentional suicide.
He left no known note but many have indicated he suffered from depression.
But depression doesn’t cause suicide, depression is only a state of mind, a state of hopelessness, one that lacks empathy and feeling.
To get from depression to suicide is only a single decision that can take seconds combined with your willingness to commit and follow through with that decision, that’s all it takes…seconds.
It’s very similar to a skydiver stepping out of that airplane for the first time, you just say to yourself, “fuck it, I’m doing it” and jump.
Maybe Robin Williams just made a bad decision in the wrong instant and followed through with it.
Maybe while he was hanging there by the rope he wished he hadn’t done it but realized too late that there was no going back.
Maybe he didn’t regret it after the rope tightened and he died in peace knowing in his heart it was what he wanted as his last breath slipped away and he faded into darkness.
Some people say suicide is selfish and a lot of people associate it with pain. Some people look more positive at it and say that person was hurting now they are in a better place. Others say it’s not a choice and blame mental illness.
While I won’t get into debates about any of that I must point out the possibility that depression and insanity may have had absolutely nothing to do with Robin Williams decision to take his own life.
He could have made a very logical and sound decision to leave when he did and it is not for us to question, it is his life, not ours. We are the ones being selfish by believing we should have had the right to help prevent a suicide that may have been done by someones own choice and free will.
After all, he accomplished more than most people will in their life time. He may have been 63 years old, but if you take those 63 years of achievements and put them into normal people years, it’s an infinity for most and a very long time for all.
Looking beyond all the money he made and all the places he travelled, we must look at all the lives he affected and the people he met, which is an impressive amount.
Maybe when all was said and done he really just said to himself, “Okay, I’ve seen enough, what’s next?”
Maybe, just maybe, he died without any regrets, which is why there is no letter. And if you can die without regrets then by all measures of your purpose here on this earth, you have completed your mission. And what a feeling that must be to know that you are done.
I hope that’s what Robin Williams thought and felt when he decided to take his own life, peace and tranquility, I would wish nothing else for him.
I have enjoyed many of his works and a lot of his performances have had a profound effect on my life, and for that, I am thankful.
So I will remember him the way he would want to be remembered and I will give him the benefit of the doubt that this choice was his own doing.
I will not use his death as a way to promote or bring attention to the for profit suicide awareness programs and drug companies that treat depression, that would be a great dishonor to Mr Williams, may he R.I.P.
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I agree with alot of your views. I am not surprised of Robin Williams decision. To me he seemed to have an extreme bipolar personality. He could channel this in his acting. He was not acting, he was bringing out his own feelings. If you have experienced mental illness, you can relate to being dead inside. There are also people that feel it's their time to move on and they have done enough. It is not necesssarily a selfish act. You are born naked and helpless you die helplessly. Why try to analyze it into the ground. Accept it and move on.
I don't want to be a troll- I really want to troll this, but you took your time to contemplate.
I just don't like how your article titles does not match that subject it purports to- only a couple of gifs
I don't want to be a troll- I really want to troll this, but you took your time to contemplate.
I just don't like how your article titles does not match that subject it purports to- only a couple of gifs
As I read your article my heart fills with pain. I am one of those people just like Robert Williams.....give, give, give. Making sure everyone is happy and they are doing well, while inside you are full of despair, nightmares, monsters that wont go away.
It was a great article, but the armor that us people with "mental Illness" have to wear everyday is for those who don't care to ask " Are you ok" because they are too busy taking our energy, living our so called "perfect life".
We are not allowed to experience emotion or make mistakes, we are the rock, the go to person, the perfect employee, the perfect Mom, the perfect partner, the fixer.
I am a suicide survivor and there is not one day I wish they let me go. I can take all the medicine in the world and it does not change the fact that my choice was taken away. My motto is " you would not survive a minute in my head" all I get back is ....it can't be that bad.
I hope you get this. My son just committed suicide 3/3/2018 and the letter he left behind is just what you are saying. We called him out perfect son. He said as you did he lived to make everybody else happy and he is tired. Thank you for your honesty. I only wish I would have ask if he was ok.
Rob who lost your son 3/3/18, I hear you,
I acknowledge your anguish and I hold
a space for you here.
We lost our daughter 24 Oct 17.
In an impulsive moment brought on by a wave of hormonal, neurochemical malfunction, psychotic brainsnap, darkness gripped her and she took her life.
With no insight, Everyone was blindsided and we know she wouldn’t have been blindsided as well.
Posthumously diagnosed with Premenstrual dysphoric disorder -
A severe form of Premenstrual Tension, her brain malfunctioned.
In auto immune diseases,
The body attacks healthy cells.
For some who die by suicide (we need to
Get the language right and quit using ‘committed’ and ‘killed
Themselves’), the brain has malfunctioned and has turned on itself.
We have to remind ourselves that the brain’s highest purpose is to survive, and to protect the body in which is it housed, the body which is rules.
To survive it deploys strategies when it’s sirvival is threatened - fight, flight, freeze and, in severe circumstances, it deploys a further strategy in the polyvagal system to faint - a desperate attempt used by animals to fool their attackers, and seen in humans as well.
To do the exact opposite to survive, the brain has malfunctioned; there is no rational thought and often, the prefrontal cortex has been completely shut down,
Making cognitive and rational thinking, impossible. Yes, impossible.
Even if a person survives an attempt on their life, they are admitted to a mental ward/psychiatric unit, because they are not Functioning normally.
Yet we hear the living, trying to rationally make sense of what is in fact, utterly irrational.
Even in well planned suicides, and notes left behind to give reason and ‘logic’ to this tragic act, the truth is that whilst the person may be feeling tired, or like they don’t belong, or
Are unloved, or
Can’t see a way through a break up, loss, illness, financial woes, bullying etc., they are still not able to access the area of the brain - the prefrontal cortex, which provides logic and a rebuttal ‘there are people who love you’ ‘help is availanle’ Etc.
When a person is stuck in that irrational thinking (even if it appears rational), it is driven by emotion.
The article says that a suicidal person feels Numb and feels no emotion.
That’s a bold statement when it’s not
Rooted in fact, and it blanket reasons all
Suicidal Minds.
Please don’t do that.
You actually don’t know.
A suicidal person may be dissociative
- and this is another brain strategy to cope with overwhelming pain, and can resemble a numbness, but many suicidal people will feel something - pain.
Pain that is greater than their resources to manage or overcome them in that moment.
Many suicides are impulsive acts.
Even if a note is written and steps to plan the method are made, acting on those steps and the final act, can very much be impulsive. Acted on an impulsive decision based on feelings of pain and an inability to rationally rebut the notion that suicide is the only and best answer to the current feeling.
One such a notion takes root, the window of tolerance very rapidly shuts and the doorway into prefrontal cortex is bolted.
There are those who have survived attempts on their lives who will have clear hindsight, and there are those who will describe a disconnected, dissociated, psychotic, zombie or trance like state. Some people will have no recollection of the note they left, or even wonder why they wrote what they did.
(these are statistics
And we are important so that people stop
Pigeon holing all suicides, suicide victims, circumstances, thought processes etc etc.)
We have all looked back in hindsight at a crazy, dangerous, stupid, out of character act or word we’ve done or said and been shocked, even saying ‘what was I thinking!!?’ Or’i don’t recognize that person - that’s just not me’.
We also know that when we are highly roused and in a heightened sense of emotion, or even a hypo drop in emotional response, that we act irrationally. We hit ‘send’. We utter something and wish we could take it back.. we drive drunk, drive dangerously, take risks, do stupid things. We can get stuck in our limbic system - the emotion Centre or the brain and nobody can reason with us. It’s too late - the gates are shut and we are incapable of entering into logic, reason, the thinking brain -
The cortext - largest part of our brain, and last to develop.
But neurobiology is not taught in schools, the potentially deadly or dangerous effects of hormones and menstrual cycle is not taught. It’s the butt of jokes ‘do you have PMT!!?’ Or ‘typical teenage boy with testosterone raging through his veins’.
Yet this is a real problem for
Many adolescents . And we scratch our head when the 3rd cause of death of hose between ages 14-24 is suicide.
But don’t make the connection between the surge of testosterone in boy around the age of 14, the onset of menstruation around 14 , hormones wreaking havoc through puberty, and a brain that is very much comfortable in emotion zone - limbic - eeeything is based on now and tomorrow can’t be seen - it’s too far away.
We scratch our heads when adolescents and young adults engage in risky behaviour, but when that risky behavior is suicide, we grasp at reasoning,
Among sense of, making it neat because it’s messy and western culture wants to fix things and understand everything and be in control,
Have answers.
‘He must’ve been hiding his pain’
‘She was hurting inside’
Or other insulting diatribe like ‘I hope they’ve found peace’ ‘they’re at peace now’ ‘fly high’ (one I HATE) or ‘rest easy’ (another one I detest).
Becauee putting lingo and jargon seems to make the utter horror of the tragedy, more palatable, less confronting
And it means we don’t have to sit, and be in the Mess and just hold space for those who are grieving, and maybe just shut the frick up.
‘Fly high’ as if somehow they’ve turned into a flying something...
or ‘God mustive needed an angel’.
What bullcrudd
If you really are a Christian then you’ll know that people are people and angels are angels.
If you claim no allegiance to religion then don’t bring religion into it!!
‘This world wasn’t good enough for one as beautiful as you’ (thanks Don Maclean for that bollocks). So the rest of us plebs are substandard.
We hear about women suffering such severe postnatal depression that they kill their babies.
But premenstrual daphiric disorder - a real mental illness caused by hormones and for a few days each month only, (making depression almost impossible to suspect), which causes psychosis and murder isn’t even well know! Because it’s ‘self Murder’ .
We can make sense (even if we judge and disagree) with someone committing a murder. Even justify it ‘she finally lost it and killed him after years of mental abuse and torment’ and yet for some, they’ve also suffered years of mental torment and they might just have snapped and ended it.
As irrational as it is, this unnatural act happens for various reasons and like the article said - it’s often accidental - it’s not a choice. Maybe it is for some, but when a person is mentally incapacitated, they are able to do things which they didn’t ‘chooe’ To do because ‘choice’ requires cognitive reasoning and for suicidal people, or the majority I believe, that higher order brain function is not available.
We teach kids to wear sunscreen and a hat.
We teach them to cross the road safely.
We teach them about the dangers of smoking and alcohol abuse, drink driving, drugs, sex education, safety, healthy eating, fruit, veggies, dental hygiene, posture, we take them for vaccinations from 3 days old and yet we don’t teach about mental illness.
It’s one of the biggest killers, it causes catastrophic ramifications and yet somehow we don’t want to talk abou or report it becauee this might be ‘glamorizing’ it as could ‘cause’ it.
Well fat lot of food shutting up about it has done.sweep it under the rug in the corner of the back room
Have the mental health talk at school
For the year 10 students (Australia) (16 year olds).
It’s a disease that will affect the lives of many kids starting school, maybe making finishing school not possible, it for some of will claim their lives and yet we fail to include it into the curriculum from day one: mental health - one term, many representations and even more outcome.
We think they adults are going to recognize symptoms and help..
we don’t educate students so that they develo insight into their own mental health and that of their peers - the ones who are more likely to hear a disclosure or notice their friend hasn’t been themselves.
We let them watch the world rotting on tv but don’t vaccinate them from the effects that has on their developing brain.
We letgirls be sexualised even in Disney cartoons, in doll that look like prostitutes, let boys play video games with violence and rape culture.
We can’t hug children even though a hug from a beloved and trusted teacher - a safe adult - might be the only positive touch they receive.
We praise them for their good marks and set a standard of expectation in their mind that they will always be good at maths or spelling or whatever, making their self worth reliant on how well they do.
Failure is not an option in our society.
For the kids who aren’t too good at spelling, their self worth goes down the gurgler and they think they’re not good enough.
Younger and younger children in a high expection world where kids have schedules that look like adult
Executive’s schedules, are being treated for anxiety, depression, self harm etc.
But they can’t give directions because they don’t walk or ride home or they sit in the car on a device and miss the world outside - trees, sky, people, life...!
They get home and it’s the Same thing -
Can’t climb trees (so
Don’t learn how to judge distance and make calculated risks...)
They might hurt themselves!! Shock horror.
They don’t do egg and spoon or sack races or pin the tail or any games that use the brain and require connection and relationship.
Instead, they go to an indoor place and play laser tag.. or see a movie... (is not each other).
Yet we don’t recognize that this adult enforced world and expectation on ‘success’ and ‘happiness’ is affecting their mental Health.
We tell kids, smugly as if we are the best parents or teachers ever, the most original and repeated vomitesque lie ‘you can do whatever you want to’ ‘you can become whatever you want to’.
What a lie! And what a breeding ground for delusions of grandeur, arrogance, a sense of entitlement (well my son should be on the soccer team because he wants to become a soccer player and we’ve told him he can do whatever he wants fo’ Or ‘well my daughter was soooo disappointed she didn’t get a solo to sing...’
Or ‘everybody gets a prize’.
Totally manufactured and unrealistic Truman show lie where we set our kids up for disaster, disappointment, anxiety, depression, and furthermore, we don’t TAewxh them about mental
Health and how to recognize it.
We lead them like the pied piper
And although many kids will grow up in this manufactured, success driven society and culture and not develop mental illness, many will.
By the same token, many will not that these upbringings or schooling (home
Schooled children perhaps..) and have otherwise healthy, functional upbringings with love and boundaries, and they will develo depression or anxiety or a disorder, because,like
Cancer, you can be healthy and fit and get it or smoke a sock a day, abuse alcohol, and live til 90.
Mental illness is not a choice and suiideos offen not a choice.
And mental
Illness and suicide are not all the same nor are the minds and circumstances of their victims the same.
Education in schools, peer to peer conversations, slowing down, kind as and compassion and maybe we can reverse the growing trend of this epidemic:
Mindsets changed, holding space and not trying to ‘fix’ grief or problems, changing language and we might see change.
I hope and pray this happens.
As I read your article my heart fills with pain. I am one of those people just like Robert Williams.....give, give, give. Making sure everyone is happy and they are doing well, while inside you are full of despair, nightmares, monsters that wont go away.
It was a great article, but the armor that us people with "mental Illness" have to wear everyday is for those who don't care to ask " Are you ok" because they are too busy taking our energy, living our so called "perfect life".
We are not allowed to experience emotion or make mistakes, we are the rock, the go to person, the perfect employee, the perfect Mom, the perfect partner, the fixer.
I am a suicide survivor and there is not one day I wish they let me go. I can take all the medicine in the world and it does not change the fact that my choice was taken away. My motto is " you would not survive a minute in my head" all I get back is ....it can't be that bad.
It is one year and a couple months later since you posted this comment and I hope whoever told you that "It can't be that bad" is no longer in year life or they have put out the extra effort to actually understand what you are going through before saying stupid things like that. In my head I'm like if it wasn't that bad why would you want to kill yourself in the first place ? I hope you have reasons in your life that just helps you to forget it all sometimes and just live and be happy and just make being alive not so bad.
I used to be that "it cant be that bad person" but one of my friends who suffer from a mental illness helped me to understand what they are going through so i hope you help them to understand too.(if they are still in your life and also people who are in your life)
And I also hope you are getting professional help or have someone to talk to. I don't know if this can help with anything but i hope it does.
And also i hope you find someone to talk when feeling suicidal.
And sorry for all the and also's
If you’ve never had a suicidal attempt... please don’t say anyone who talks about dying is looking for attention.
Often... the talk about dying is coupled with the actual fear of death.
Those who don’t talk and do had the courage to look death in the eyes.
I am not as brave as Robin.
We can all be actors in life, to play the character role for others to witness how we want them to perceive us. Partly from sparing loved ones worry, and also not trusting others reactions to our truest darkest emotions and thoughts. Mr.Williams was a gifted passionate actor and human being with Id magine a complicated life. I cannot however speculate on his final decision to take his life. My thoughts go out to those who were truly close to him. I cannot judge those who’s sadness I haven’t a right to put my opinions to. I believe we all struggle with this in our own way. Life is wonderful and sadly cruel. We can love and be loved but still feel a lonely emptiness. We are strong and weak. Seems a complication of being human.
I never knew Robin personally. I don’t know what motivated his life until the end but I believe he is loved and missed by many like myself, for making the sadness in our lives more tolerable through the laughter and sometimes tears he instilled in us. Thank you Robin.
Also thank you for the interesting and informative reading and reply’s
reply to "waitingforheaven""
I read your letter over and over and found comfort therein. Thank you!! We have lost our Daughter 5 July 2016 by hanging and my Frien has just Lost his Daughter Mid April 2019 by same.
He has called on me for comfort and how to cope with His loss, hence me surfing for own comfort and words of wisdom to comfort him...
I contemplated dying in a good number of ways from the moment I woke up to the moment I could finally slip into unconsciousness back in those years, over 15 in total I would say.
I would slam myself with meth to get high but in the very core of my mind, I was looking for a break, often days, as I was hoping to let myself live on a few more days to witness the next miracle in life, most probably just around the corner, to unfold.
In that particular week, I so wanted to die. I didn't tell anyone. I met my buddies to slam, hoping to die of an overdose. I must have slammed myself 4 to 5 times that day in the course of 12 hours, in high dosages.
I saw my sneakers in my bathroom at home and I thought to myself "Why would they be inside the apartment"? (Note: I would always take my shoes off before entering the apartment.)
Then...I woke up. I was in the hospital. My wife was standing by my bed and told me I was going into surgery.
Then I woke up again... My mother was by my side. I thought "should I say fuck or should I say hi"! (I stopped being close to my parents ever since I was little. At that time, I was 49.)
Some time later, I woke up and my mom was searching through my bed, trying to find the source of some strange smells that she noticed. She finally found it. It was a sizable patch of semi-fresh blood and fluid that oozed out from my wounds in my right leg.
Days passed by but to me, they were just different scenarios that I would wake up to, often with me falling back to sleep an hour, if not minutes, later.
That was back in 2014. I began using meth back in 2010, from occasional to "very occasional" if you know what I mean. In December, I jumped off of my building from the 4/F, six in actual heights as my flat sat above 2 storeys (G/F, mezzanine) of shopping mall and 3 storeys of parking space(1st, 2nd and 3rd floor). I didn't die as I was caught by a protruding ledge between the mall and the parking. I fractured my entire right ribcage, my right leg from hip to ankle suffered 2 major breakages, and there was blood clogged deep in my brain the size of a golf ball).
Shortly after the surgery, I was transferred to the psychiatric ward. Imagine being transferred from a room filled with monitors, beeping noises, medical professionals hurrying to here and there, to a room full of screaming lunatics with no technologies in sight except for a small TV hung from the ceiling. There, I would be nice and polite to all nursing staff, their assistants included. But... but I would curse my psychiatrist with the foulest mouth, often shaking the entire floor when I shouted out the first "Fuck"!
Anyway... That's history now. My psychiatrist is very kind to me as I see him once every 3 months. I have made up with my parents and I would call my mom 2-3 times every week and I would tell her I love her before hanging up. My wife told me she spent the happiest Christmas with me in 2016, after knowing me for more than 30 years.
So why am I sharing this here now?
I have no recollection of what actually took place between when I noticed my sneakers in the bathroom to when I saw my wife standing by my bed telling me I was going to get operated on. What actually went through my mind? Did my decision to jump happen quickly? Did I think about my family, my son who was abroad? What was in my mind? To this day there is still no answer.
An hour ago, I saw my wife drunk and acting abnormally, speaking loudly in public, embarrassing my son, his girlfriend whom we met for the first time yesterday only, and, the whole world heard my wife saying that we might not be able to survive our retirement if she can't get a job when we move back to where we emigrated to years ago.
Tonight, I didn't drink as I quitted drinking last Christmas. It was a quick decision. It was Christmas Eve. We got into a fight and I kept breaking the wife glass each time I slammed the glass on the table. I broke 4 that evening and my waitress showed no despise. I noticed that we would often get into big fights when we were both drinking, together. Since I can't make her stop drinking, I chose to abstain from from alcohol so I could stay sober to deal with her drunkeness.
Tonight she got drunk and I thought of killing myself. Then I wondered why I didn't think of my son that early morning back in December 2014 when I jumped off of my flat. Why didn't I think of my future as if there was no future in sight.
This is a very well written article, spelling out loudly all the different, and very likely, genuine, thoughts that could have taken place in the mind of a person committing suicide. Please don't judge as you are not the person wanting to make an exit. There is so much, or should I say, so little, that have gone through the mind of those that died that are only mysteries to use all.