The 6th Love Language – The Approval of Others

I finally read a book by Dr Gary Chapman called “The 5 Love Languages” first published in 1995, 19 years later the advice in the book still rings true for the most part but because the way humans interact on a daily basis has changed substantially since that time, the book is without doubt lacking in some things for modern times.

After applying some of the things in this book and seeing some success I realized there was something missing to the puzzle that wasn’t talked about in the book. From some deep thinking I realized there are more than 5 Love Languages, I don’t know how many more there may be, but I want to introduce you to a 6th Love Language that doesn’t fit into the other 5.

The other 5 Love Languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts. The 6th language I’d like to introduce to you I am calling “The Approval of Others” until Dr Chapman has a chance to address this, if he hasn’t already.

This language has always existed but has become even more apparent with the expansion of the Internet. I’m actually not sure how it got overlooked in the 1995 edition as Dr Chapmans clients were coming to him for approval / reassurance which is what this 6th love language deals with.

Even if you can figure out your partners primary love language you may not get the results you were hoping for simply because you limited yourself to just the 5 love languages. So while you’re talking positively, sending flowers, spending quality time, using physical touch, or performing acts of service, nothing just seems to have a major impact on them.

One of the reasons may be because of this 6th love language.

There are a large number of people in relationships that are unable to trust their own judgement (obviously since relationship counselors and psychologists exist). But these professionals are not the only people they run to in a time of need; they also have a close network of friends, family, or highly opinionated individuals that they respect and admire in their circle of trust.

All of these people have their own primary love languages and you will be evaluated and judged, yes judged, based on the primary love language these non-involved third parties speak — solely due to the amount of respect and trust your significant other has placed in these individuals.

What these individuals cause is a desire, a want that turns into a need, a void, that sticks to your partner regardless of their actual primary love language. Now that they’ve set the bar for your significant other, your partner will also seek their approval. Your partners love tank is indeed empty and none of the other 5 love languages can fill it up unless this circle of trust approves of the things you do to express your love.

Here’s how it goes.

You just bought your wife some flowers for your anniversary, your wife immediately calls up her friend Tina and tells her or worse yet she posts a picture to facebook.

Tina says, “Well that was nice of him but my husband takes me on exotic vacations for our anniversaries. Didn’t your husband just get a raise? Why is he being so cheap?”

Your wife has just been one upped and your expression of love has been degraded because somebody else got something she views as better.

They end the conversation. Your wife wishes that you would do something other than just “flowers” and your wifes friend Tina secretly wishes her husband would stop spending money and just get her something simple like “flowers”.

The result is both expressions of love from both husbands have been psychologically degraded.

The Love Tank has sprung a leak.

On the other side of the equation, your wife buys you a new video game for Christmas, you tell your friend Ted about it, and Ted says hey that’s nothing my wife gave me a coupon book for 10 sessions of sex.

Now that video game isn’t as great as it sounds and even though the sex coupon book was a great idea, secretly Ted would also have liked something cool like a video game.

And once again the expressions of love are psychologically degraded.

Everybody is always trying to one up each other, it’s kind of like keeping up with the Jones’s of relationships, but it’s still very real.

If you’re connected to social media like Facebook you can almost be assured that everything you get your significant other is now public business — those flowers and your card are posted on Facebook and your spouse is talking about how sweet you are (I hope, if she’s calling you a cheap bastard you’re in trouble).

The amount of love tank filling that happens is directly tied to the approval and response she gets from her Facebook network.

If your spouses friends generally approve, bonus points for you, but if you get one upped by someone on there or somebody she respects calls you a cheap ass that can afford something better or something more original, then you lose points.

A lot of people display a certain level of approval seeking behavior. With communication and media happening instantly between large networks of friends your significant other will get instantaneous feedback.

You are being judged by that community, therefore, you are dating all of that community if your significant others primary love language is The Approval of Others.

Even if it isn’t their primary language it is something that needs to be considered and carefully evaluated. It doesn’t matter if it’s on Facebook, in person, or through phone. Your significant other is talking to their friends about what you’ve done and they are taking notes as to how big of a deal it was and whether or not they should break up with you or continue on with the relationship.

The scale is always tipping one way or the other.

Even in the old days, if their best friend wasn’t on your side, then your relationship didn’t stand much of a chance no matter what you did because the opinion and advice that friend gave them would outweigh your partners own judgement.

People that speak in The Approval of Others will constantly talk about what a normal relationship is like, compare you to other relationships, and compare every expression of your love to somebody else’s expression of love — and most of the time you’re competing with a one upper.

You most likely can’t and won’t be better than everybody at everything all of the time — the one uppers and fairy tale relationships will destroy yours.

You’ve most likely already noticed this language creep into your arguments. Tina’s husband does this and this and you don’t do anything or most normal couples have this and this, blah blah blah.

Anything said that relates to normal relationships, other relationships, or what others do or have for each other are words spoken directly from someone that needs the The Approval of Others to justify their relationship, and therefore, validate what is actually going to fill their love tank.

The love tank for these individuals is easily filled but even more easily emptied, if you find yourself touring Egypt to see Ancient Pyramids only to find out next week that your significant other says you never do anything together anymore, then you’ve found a bad case, and I wish you luck.

Hopefully acknowledging this 6th language will help you understand your relationship and why the other 5 love languages may not seem to be having any effect at all.

Remember, it’s not about the expression of any of the other 5 languages, it’s really about what that expression means to the panel of judges you’re about to be subjected to. If you pass that test and your significant other is the one upper, well you’ve probably caused a lot of breakups or hardships in other peoples relationships, but for now your relationship is safe and sound.

If you buy your spouse flowers or a gift and you notice on Facebook a long line of comments that say “oh how sweet” or “I wish my husband would buy me flowers” then you are gaining the approval of the unelected judging system you’ve been subjected to and your significant others love tank will fill up quickly.

These type of responses give the person self-importance or a self-esteem boost that enhances the love effect beyond the language of receiving gifts to some egotistical level that has nothing to do with any of the love languages, and therefore must become it’s own.

An ego based, socially acceptable, way of expressing love, but very much its own language.

Failure to speak this language can result in constant comparison to what is “expected” in normal relationships that you don’t do AND/OR constant bombardment of the things “others” have done for their significant other followed by “you never do anything like that for me.”

In other words, the sixth love language is approval, the approval of friends, family, or the general public that the expression of love through one of the other 5 love languages is either accepted or exceeds the expectations of an unknown audience typically comprised of close friends, family members, or social media.

In this love language, if you give your significant other something to brag about to their friends about something you did to express your love that causes jealousy or envy, then the level of fulfillment is almost solely determined by the level of jealousy or envy that it caused whether it be an act of service, a gift, quality time, physical touch, or words of affirmation.

This 6th love language is where Maslow’s theorized human needs of esteem and love overlap and also provides a solid logical backing to this 6th Love Language called “The Approval of Others”.

There are a lot of people that need to be told how good to feel about their partners expressions of love and an even larger number of people that expect their relationship to always match or exceed the greatest expressions from other relationships, fairy tales, or the unrealistic expectations they dreamed up themselves.

You can beat some of the people some of the time but you can never beat all of the people all of the time. The mentality of someone that speaks The Approval of Others as their primary language falls somewhere between those two points, beating some of the people and beating all of the people.

Good luck to you!