How To Get What You Want in Life – Don’t be a Dick

It is without any doubt that people take action steps everyday that moves them further away from getting what they want then they care to acknowledge. Whenever you feel a great resistance building up the only way to deal with it is to overcome it, not let it eat you from the inside out.

Whether that resistance is anger, frustration, sadness, or any other emotion that can be perceived as negative. You can only fool some of the people some of the times to get what you want by displaying such feelings outwardly, and when you do get it, it won’t last very long. It’s destined to fail, history has proven this.

People that act out are playing the poor me card or are trying to control and dominate those around them and their environment; but they never stop to ask very simple questions that would serve them well and aid them in not only getting what they want, but keeping, what they want, when they get it.

I assume that keeping something you want is important to most people because when things they take for granted, that they once fought for, are on the urge of being taken away or vanishing, they start to build up such a resistance and act out.

So let me give you a few examples of what I am referring to and then take these examples and apply them to your own personal lives. Let’s start with work, pay, and promotions.

Getting Promoted or Pay Increases at Work

Here is my exact experience described below from my last job, but when I think about it, it’s like this for every job. Now keep in mind, that some pay increases and promotions are just not feasible and the solution to that is also not to act out, but seek opportunity elsewhere.

You’ll hear the following complaints a lot at most work places in America today:

• No one appreciates what I do
• I don’t get paid what I’m worth
• I deserve a promotion because I do more than everybody else around here
• I should get a pay increase because so and so got one and I do more work than them
• I’m about to quit if they don’t give me a raise soon

And the list goes on and on, in fact, if I asked you to add to it, we could build a list so long that no one would be able to read it. When faced with these situations, it is important to keep this one simple fact in mind.

If you’re not pleasant to be around no one really gives a shit what you want

That’s pretty simple right? Let me elaborate.

In my last job as a Network Engineer, they kept firing people in my department and instead of hiring new people on, they would just put their jobs under my duties. At one point I was performing a job that used to be performed by 3 or 4 people with a combined wage of over $200,000. I was the lowest paid of those people and I thought, “Hey, since I’m taking on all these responsibilities and doing very well at them, I should get a raise.”

Do you know what my boss probably thought that he never told me?

“Hey this guy is a complete asshole who’s always negative and rude to everyone. He has an attitude problem, and because of his complaining and attitude issues he makes everyone in the work place uncomfortable. If he wasn’t so good at what he was doing I’d fire him, but I’m not going to give him a raise because he might just quit at anytime.”

The point is, what you think you deserve and how you perceive yourself, is NEVER shared by the people around you. You’re making exactly what you need to make and if you don’t feel that you are, then you bring it up to your boss in a positive manner in a private conversation.

What you don’t do is bitch and complain to your work place because: 1) They don’t really care they just sympathize with you so you’ll shut up 2) You’re a complete asshole to them 3) They are the ones who are going to get promoted and a raise while you run around with your mouth flapping. They simply will encourage you to do so just to see what happens.

So while you’re off complaining everyday other people in your work place are doing things you’re not paying attention to. Some are kiss asses, others improve themselves or do better at their job, some take schooling; whatever that may be, they are going to get the raises and not you.

I learned really fast that it’s not about how good you are at your job, it’s first about how nice and pleasant you are to everyone else and then maybe they consider how good you are at your job. The simple fact is, if you’re an asshole, you drop the entire atmosphere of the work environment and probably single-handedly reduce the productivity of other people.

You get together at smoke breaks and eventually other people will complain with you, you’ll have a big complain fest at lunch, you’ll build a group of complainers with you, and then the complainers start to disappear one by one, and you don’t understand why.

Got the picture?

Work toward getting what you want instead of complaining about what you don’t have and what you think you deserve. Show your boss you’re improving yourself, be nice and considerate to others, go beyond the minimal requirements, but don’t gloat and don’t make it known that you think you’re special because you did something out of the ordinary. When your time comes, you’ll be recognized and the pay increases and promotions will flow, and hey, even if you don’t get either of those, I bet you’ll sure as hell get a nice letter of recommendation when you leave that job to go some place better.

This leads into my next topic that we will talk about, relationships and love!

Being in a Loving and Healthy Relationship

How many of you have partners or have had partners that did stuff that you didn’t like?

Everyone? Good. Let’s move on then.

How many of you got your partners or significant others to change their habits by bitching about it and complaining everyday? If you did, how long did it last, and is there hostility or resentment now?

Most of the time when you do get your partner to change by force or complaining, you’ll see that it is quickly deposited in the “what I did for you” bank. Everyone is aware of this in a relationship. “I gave up drinking for you, why can’t you give up x and x for me? It’s only fair.”

See how that quickly turned against you? So maybe you gave up that x and x for them, then something else comes along, and you make another exchange with the “what I did for you” bank. What is another word for this? It’s called control.

Control = bad, I doubt I have to go into that much, you’ve probably all experienced it. Making others do things by force or through negativity only results in unhappy and tension filled relationships. There are plenty of ways to get your partner / significant other to change their undesired habits through positive means, but the real problem you need to examine first is, how do you change yourself?

Changing yourself is something you have control over, but you will never control another human being (not even your kids), it’s against human nature, it’s bound to erupt into chaos or result in many fights or lots of resentment. So examine yourself, why do you let what that person does affect you so much? Does it violate trust? If it does, then you shouldn’t be trying to get them to change, you should be moving on to your next relationship. Once trust goes in a relationship, the entire relationship implodes, it’s always on your mind, even if they stop doing whatever it is, you always wonder if they’ll do it again. That’s no way to be in a happy and loving relationship.

The key to a happy and loving relationship is acceptance. If you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, accept who they are, only influence them to change by setting an example, and don’t tell them to change. If you want them to eat healthy, eat healthy yourself and show the results you’re getting from eating healthy.

If you want them to stop smoking, see if you can get them to do things with you where it’s not allowed. You can subliminally change people single-handedly by getting them involved in other things they enjoy where such bad habits are frowned upon.

The change comes from within them, from themselves, they have to want to make the change, if you don’t have them examine their behaviors themselves, it won’t work. You are not a judge sent here from God to examine peoples behavior and tell them why they should change, some might listen to you, most won’t, it is only through getting them to examine themselves and hopefully coming to a conclusion that changes their beliefs, will you get change.

Jesus was very good at getting people to self-examine. He never walked around saying you will believe what I believe or bad things will happen to you. He led by example. It is the religions that spawned from the teachings of Jesus who started telling you bad things would happen to you if you didn’t abide by their rules. This is exactly why religion is on the decline, it doesn’t work to threaten people, especially not now with all the technology and science we have.

So let’s dive right into control and destruction of relationships. I’ll give you personal examples.

I’ve been in relationships before where I’m so frustrated I just want to yell at this person or send nasty texts. And I’ve done it before and I’ve been working on trying to catch myself in the act. If you don’t want to be with that person so badly, then don’t be with them, it’s that simple, but yelling at them and belittling them while claiming some new found superiority over another human being, simply isn’t going to work.

You’ll get them into a defensive mode, and by the end of that exchange, you’ll both have hostile and negative energy that even when it dissipates, it sits inside you mentally, it’s argument residue if you will. NO matter what you do from that point on, it follows you everywhere, you’ll notice this when small things turn into big fights right away, it’s because you’ve worked yourself back up to where you left off in an argument. The emotions get worse, the arguments get more violent, and it’s just not good.

As Mr Mackey the counselor from Southpark would say… “Arguments are bad….mmmkay”

When you start to think about what you’re doing and why, you simply feel stupid.

Ask yourself why this person is with you in the first place and why they are in love with you. Then ask yourself if sending these texts or saying a bunch of stupid needless shit that is not going to benefit anyone is really going to keep this person in love with you? Believe me, no one is “too far” or “too committed” in a relationship to sit there and take everything from you. Lots of people have their relationships of 10 years, 20 years, or more end in a heart beat. Eventually, it’s too much. Everyone has a limit. You need to add to the love tank and stop filling the hate tank, literally.

So when I stop to think about, why does she love me. The answers for me are because 1) I’m very nice to her 2) I make her laugh 3) we have a good time 4) I surprise her 5) she feels safe and secure in my arms 6) She loves the attention I give her 7) she loves it when I kiss or touch her…the list goes on. At what point did you see me mention (she likes it when I call her a bitch and yell at her and degrade her, especially in public, that’s why she loves me).

Do you see? That is just not in the equation. Don’t think you can do things to loved ones or people without consequence or repercussion. When you do negative things you undo the positive things, and people remember the negative things more than the positive things. So think carefully before you send that text or say what you’re about to say. Just take the time to ask yourself, “How can I positively convey what I want or how can I get her to understand or how can I get her to do what I want in a positive manner” That’s it. Then check your solution against the reasons why you think that person is with you or in love with you. If that shit doesn’t match up, then you don’t have a problem with the other person, you have a problem with yourself.

Don’t be alarmed, lots of people blame other people everyday for problems that reside within them. Address your problem, DO NOT, and I REPEAT, DO NOT, take it out on your loved ones. They are your feelings, they belong to you, no one else shares your feelings, so keep your poison to yourself. Go for a walk, talk to a third party friend, meditate, take a bath, go for a ride, do anything but say what you’re about to say until you’re calm, relaxed, and then re-approach it. You’ll find that what you were about to say didn’t need to be said in the first place or that there is a better way to say it.

Conclusion

Don’t be a dick. When you are one, take responsibility and apologize. But by all costs, avoid being a dick. The above information was for two specific examples, but it applies to all aspects of life. Friends, family, business partners, teammates, the list is limitless. Just remember (DBD), don’t be a dick.