It’s Too Late To Apologize – How Affairs Snowball

Imagine that the ground is covered with heavy wet snow and snowballs are effortless to make. You make a snowball and begin to roll it on the ground. As it rolls across the ground it grows bigger.

Your snowball is now the size of a basketball and it is sitting at the top of a very tall and steep hill. You push it down the hill, run ahead of it, and stop it. The snowball is now the size of a large beachball. You push it again and stop it but this time it’s harder to stop. The snowball is now half your height.

You push it again but this time you are unable to stop it. The snowball runs you over and keeps rolling down the hill. You get up to try and stop it but it’s even bigger and runs you over again — this time you stick to the snowball.

You realize that there is nothing you can do to stop the snowball —you have no choice other than to roll until it stops.

The snowball represents the accumulation of all of the mistakes you’ve made in your relationship. With each new mistake you give the snowball a little nudge down the hill. With every stop you try to fix and contain your mistakes. At some point you have made too many mistakes and the snowball rolls on its own — you must now pay for your mistakes.

Some call this Karma while others say what goes around comes around. The fact is that you’ve opened an account at the Bank of Unforgiving where you’re overdrafted and penalized.

There are things that can never be undone or forgotten, forgiven maybe, but erased from the mind — never.

Your partner will snowball you at some point and all you can do is weather the storm. They might move out, break up, take a break, cheat on you, or ruin your life in some other fashion. Any attempts you make to stop the snowball will be futile.

They will begin to do whatever it is they feel they need to and they will not care if it causes you pain. The more pain you feel the more righteous they will become.

I have been snowballed and I’ve been the snowballer. The mindset you enter when you snowball someone is unbreakable. A snowballer develops their own rationality where their justifications for their actions are indisputable.

This rationality allowed me to justify an affair. I was very honest with my wife about my intentions. It became my intent to force a change and cause her the emotional pain I felt she had put me through for many years — nothing else would do the job, I had already tried it all.

I want to give you some background on what was happening in my mind before I went into snowball mode. I want you to be able to identify these signs so that you can fix your relationship before they get out of control.

Several months before I had entered a deep state of depression. I was openly unhappy with my relationship and life. For years I had brought forth the same problems. We’d talk and come up with solutions — but we never fixed the problems. No matter what I did or what I changed about myself to help fix the problems she saw in me, I never felt like she made an effort to fix the problems I saw in her.

Everyone has problems but if If your partner keeps bringing up the same problems, you’re heading for disaster.

Think of a thermometer that is at 0 degrees, every time your partner has a problem it increases in temperature by 10 degrees. If you talk about it and nothing gets resolved, it might fall down to 8 degrees. Just because your partner stopped complaining, doesn’t mean it was fixed. If you talk about it and fix it, the thermostat goes back down to 0 degrees.

But as time goes by and more unresolved problems come up, especially the same ones, the temperature rises gradually. Eventually the thermostat gets too hot and explodes. You can only ignore your partner for so long before they implode or explode, both are terminal conditions to any relationship.

Have some respect for your partner and take the time understand their problem. If you disregard them, you will get snowballed, that’s a promise.

People won’t settle with something they do not like. Eventually the problem becomes philosophical and they will begin to reflect on their life. Once they come to the conclusion they are wasting away, it’s too late. The power of that emotion is overwhelming and has led many people to a mid life crisis.

During my state of deep depression I was trying to answer this question: “Why am I here and is this all God has in store for me?”

After reading the book Rich Dad Poor Dad, I left my job to pursue a career in real estate — I finally had some inspiration. I got on a plane and travelled two thousand miles across the country. I left my wife behind to keep working while the kids finished the school year. I had hoped by the time the kids finished school I would have made something of myself and we could have all been together again.

I didn’t plan to have an affair, my intentions were to try and fix myself first. Things didn’t go as well as I wanted them to and I became hopeless once again. I felt like a failure. I resorted to video games to keep my mind numb to my feelings. I couldn’t handle feeling worthless.

Inside my video game I wanted to feel important so I became a guild leader. My guild at its peak had over 500 active members. I ran across a female gamer and we started talking more and more. As time went by we got more personal, we began skyping, and eventually my wifes snowball began to roll.

I had stumbled across someone that I had no personal history with. Someone that didn’t make me feel worthless with similar interests at the time. The girl I had been talking to was engaged and her boyfriend was overseas, she hadn’t seen him for awhile. We weren’t interested in pursuing any type of serious relationship but she was interested in being intimate with other chicks, which led to talk of a potential three some with my wife.

Scandalous and mischievous as it may have been, the excitement in this possibility destroyed any rationality I had left. It made me feel alive again.

My wife was open to the discussion and the possibility of a three some but when she realized that I was very serious she panicked. She wanted me to come back home to talk about it. She wanted to pick a girl that she liked and felt comfortable with.

Too late, the snowball had been pushed. If she didn’t’ comply with my request I was going to make her pay for all her wrongdoings through the years.

She flew to me immediately to spend a weekend together. She apologized, she begged, she pleaded, and she even gave me a hand written agreement. This agreement outlined all the changes she would make and all the things she was going to fix to show that she was serious.

Too late, the snowball continued to roll.

We had a very great weekend together, one of the best ever, but there was nothing I could do to stop the snowball that she pushed. My mind was set in stone. On the last day she was there I told her that I had already made this commitment to another person and that if she didn’t stay for a threesome, it would become a twosome instead without her.

It doesn’t matter whether you think what I did was right or wrong, even I know it’s wrong now. The reason I am telling you this story is so that you can see what a deep state of depression does to the mind so you can identify it in your own life before it’s too late.

My wife left to go back to her job. I could say that meant she didn’t care enough to fight for me or maybe she didn’t think I would really do it. The important thing I remember is feeling abandoned when I needed her most, she actually left after I told her my plans. Just when I needed her the most, she was gone, and I was alone again — the same way I had felt for years.

I was torn but the snowball kept dragging me down the hill, it was out of my control and I felt helpless to stop it.

I went to go pick the new girl up from the airport a few days later. I walked to her gate and she was not there. I continued to walk around the airport checking other gates. I did this for about 45 minutes circling the airport so many times that people were starting to notice me.

Finally, I stopped circling and actually breathed a sigh of relief. I was in over my head and I began to think that this girl was a no show. I was actually hoping she wasn’t there so I could take my wifes offer and go back home.

Then my phone rang, I picked it up, “Where you at? She’s already in the car dude.” said my friend I had come to the airport with. My heart sank into my stomach.

Some people may wonder what happened, if I actually went through with it or not, and how I could do such a thing if I did.

I’m not going to recap what happened for the next two weeks, but I did go through with it.

This is the point of my story. No matter what you do, you cannot stop the snowball once it starts going. I want you to recognize this in case it happens to you. A snowballer is not in a right state of mind, they are completely delusional. There are some things that cannot be undone.

After she left my snowball finally stopped. I snapped out of my trance and realized what I had done.

Can you guess who else was on a breaking point?

While I was rolling down the hill my wifes snowball was sitting on top of the hill ready for the final push. She began to make preparations to abandon our relationship. She wanted time apart to think about her life and what she wanted.

Her snowball had just started on top of that hill. Now it was my turn to beg, plead, and apologize.

Oh, I was able to stop her snowball.

But don’t fool yourself into thinking that she had forgotten or forgiven what I had done. This wasn’t a happy ending. These scars would carry on with her forever. We were never as close to each other as we used to be. She never really forgave me or got over it, even though we stayed together and got along for the most part.

Years later the snowballs rolled again. She was able to stop mine which rolled for over 9 months, but I was unable to stop hers.

My Karma had returned full circle. Her snowball has already rolled out of my reach and she is gone. In her womb she now carries the baby of another man. In the end I was broken to pieces — it was just too late to apologize.

The words “I’m sorry” dissipated into the stillness of the night as I gazed up at the stars, all alone, wondering if there was more to life than this.