You’ve found the perfect girl or the perfect guy, and they are the one you want to spend forever with, except for one small thing. This itty bitty small thing that you don’t like about them and you wish you could change. That itty bitty small thing that is an itty bitty small thing to you but is actually a core component of your perfect person. It is probably what attracted you to them in the first place.
Maybe they like to go bar hopping. Maybe they like to go clubbing or party. Maybe they do drugs or have other bad habits. Maybe they workout too much and have bigger muscles than you. Maybe they are too religious for you. Maybe they have a lot of friends of the opposite sex (maybe you were one of them and that’s how they met you).
There are always going to be incompatibilities in every relationship, if there weren’t then it would be like dating yourself. If you want to date yourself just make a clone and give yourself a dick or some tits and roll with it, but for those of you that actually enjoy dating others, you need to understand that what you don’t like about them, will literally make or break you, unless you can learn to let go and let be, there are no exceptions to this rule.
People that sacrifice the core of what makes them who they are, breed resentment. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. Sometimes it’s obvious, but most of the time it’s hidden. You may be too stupid to pick up on it because the change required was insignificant to you but not to them.
This form of control is not a form of direct control so you may not even realize you are doing it. It is not active control as in, “You can’t go to the bar.” Well…maybe it is for you but then you already know you are controlling another person which will lead to disaster.
This form of environmental control I’m going to explain to you fits into a form of passive control ,which I’ve written about very extensively, but it’s not a form of passive control as in, “You can go out drinking if you’d like, but I will need to reconsider my relationship with you because it is not something I want to be part of.”
This form of control is in environment, activity, and avoidance manipulation.
Simply said, it’s when you spend most of your time and energy, avoiding situations that put your significant other in the environment, mindset, or activity that you do not want to be part of their lives. It requires constant attention and redirection.
If they were going to go to the bar that night or to a party, you may say, “Oh I was going to take you on a date that night, just me and you, grab a bite to eat and then come home and watch a movie together and snuggle.” Redirection successful situation avoided.
If they were about to do some drugs, you may say, “Oh, my family is going to visit or we were going to go somewhere where it wouldn’t be appropriate to be under the influence of drugs.”
It’s where you spend your time and energy in a continuous state of redirection and avoidance of such things you disapprove of. Where you secretly hope they’ll give it up eventually and you dread upcoming events that focus around that thing you don’t like and pray to God that it gets rained out, cancelled, or you don’t end up going for some reason. Anything you can find not to go that stops them from going, you’ll come up with.
If your tactics are successful you’ll eventually become exhausted and you’ll resent that the other person still wants to pursue those activities. You’ll resent that you put all this time and energy into trying to “guide them” or what it really was; helping yourself avoid a potentially stressful situation or circumstance because you don’t like the person they become or maybe you feel inadequate, unloved, anxious, or ignored — your own neurosis destroys you.
While you are redirecting and avoiding scenarios, they are building up resentment toward you and feeling disconnected from who they really are. This disconnect results in feeling entrapped, hopeless, and angry.
The most important thing to any human being is independence, it’s what we strive for at our core being, freedom. Freedom to make our own choices. Freedom to be who we are. Freedom to fulfill our own desires. Eventually they will snap the ropes that bind them like a bulldozer crushing an egg.
The only way to stop a caterpillar from turning into a butterfly is through death.
When you restrict the metamorphosis of a relationship, you drain the life out of it, and eventually it dies. Although your relationship may die, you can never stop your partner from becoming a butterfly, it is not in your power, and you will destroy many things trying to stop that process along the way, including yourself.
Let go, let be. Go do, go be.
Or better yet, Let go and Let God.
Focus on fulfilling your own life without depending on others to fill it for you and let God, nature, life, or whatever you believe in, take care of the rest.
You may be surprised to learn that your partner isn’t doing things to hurt you. You may be surprised to learn that whatever they do doesn’t mean they love you or care for you any less. You may be surprised to understand they are seeking their own fulfillment which cannot come from any single person.
To try to fill that role is suicidal.
Maybe they flirt, maybe they get drunk, maybe they act differently around others, maybe they do all sorts of other things you don’t like, but it is their choice to do those things, not yours. They do it to fulfill something missing in themselves, not to cause you pain.
Trying to control who someone really is and stop them from being who they are is futile.
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I am always captivated by your insightfulness and the different perspectives you offer! Love it- thanks for a great read!
I am always captivated by your insightfulness and the different perspectives you offer! Love it- thanks for a great read!
Reading your article was pure enjoyment. I like your sober, non-judgmental, chill-axed outlook on life and your articulate writing style. While I agree with your point that no relationship consists of two people who agree on absolutely everything (that would be sooooo boring), I like to split your “itty bitty” into: things I don't necessarily like, but can accept and things I will not, because it clashes with my values. Firs of all, because we are highly social creatures, we tend to take on habits (good and bad) of people we spend our time with, the more time we spend with them, the stronger the . In romantic relationships, especially at the early, rosey-eyed phases, we tend to overlook bad habits of our loved ones. Now, the moment when we realise the existence of the “itty bitty flaw”, the love hormones are usually on the decline and we are beginning to see realistically, i.e. the rest of the package they represent.
For example, in the past, I happened to date taller men and I always thought that men deliberately chose shorter women to appear ehm.. more manly and powerful to their ladies, perhaps an ego boost LOL But, surprisingly, I got attracted to someone a little shorter than me (yet still good looking by my standards). But the problem disappeared, since he was still as confident and charming when I wore heels and had lots of other lovely qualities, so I had no readon to clench about it:)
Now, while I agree with most of your points, there are situations where completely withholding your judgment can really corner you. You used drugs as one of your examples. Well, I met my bf at the university and we clicked instantly, he quickly became one of my best opposite sex friends. He happened to smoke weed regularly (while I was a quitter), but it did not bother me, because when we hanged around at the campus, we usually pubbed/clubbed it with other coursemates or spent time in the library, so I was not exposed to it. We have been friends for about a year when I became single and we started dating shortly after. When he asked me to be his official girlfriend, I had already known I didn't want to partner an addict, but since I knew he was really attracted to me, I agreed to go out with him on the condition that he quits. I smoked weed in the past and I found it had detrimental effects on my motivation as well as memory retention, so I did not want to be constantly exposed to the temptation. He did quit for a year, after which he smoked it each time we encountered some difficulty, like moving house, or changing jobs, situations that are stressful. He still smokes, while I managed to stay away from it. Even-though I don't get tempted by him smoking weed, it puts a strain on the relationship, as his temper is much worse when he stops for more than a day, among his other wonderful character traits that sadly degraded:/ Not who I've fallen in love for, but a guy who smokes out of comfort to drawn things he's unhappy about that are beyond mine/his control.
So, despite the fact that how other people chose to live their lives is none of my business, whether they want to smoke, drink or have a dick implanted on their own forehead, addiction is not something I'm going to look past in my next partner. So, while focusing on little flaws we all have, can indeed ruin the experience of your partner, it's important that the “itty bitty” does not clash with your values.
I totally agree with you on the main point. We cannot change people, unless they themselves recognize the need/desire for it, i.e. arrive at the conclusion that a particular behaviour hinders their happiness in some way or that they could benefit from a new habit, then and only if they persist, the change can occur.
Ah if only I could have read this a few years back LOL Well live and learn. If you're going out with someone, take your time getting to know them once you notice things that you'd want to change in your "pickle", be realistic and assume these “flaws” are permanent. Then think of what really matters to you and really question the reasons for holding this view, if you haven't yet. And finally ask yourself whether you can see past them "flaws". If not, then don't waste your time, you're not a match.
Exactly. I'm in the same sitch. I knew he is a drinker when I agreed to partner with him. I didn't have an agenda to change him, but I find 3 years later now that being with a partner long-term who is an alcoholic has proven to be very difficult for me. I don't give him ultimatums to stop. I know that it's up to me to simply get out and let him carry on with his addiction. It makes him happy. It doesn't make me happy. He has started smoking a lot of weed also, which affects his memory. We have conversations that he doesn't remember later. I would call these things NOT itty bitty flaws. Right? So it is sad to know that I'm unable to do life with him at this point.
Reading your article was pure enjoyment. I like your sober, non-judgmental, chill-axed outlook on life and your articulate writing style. While I agree with your point that no relationship consists of two people who agree on absolutely everything (that would be sooooo boring), I like to split your “itty bitty” into: things I don't necessarily like, but can accept and things I will not, because it clashes with my values. Firs of all, because we are highly social creatures, we tend to take on habits (good and bad) of people we spend our time with, the more time we spend with them, the stronger the . In romantic relationships, especially at the early, rosey-eyed phases, we tend to overlook bad habits of our loved ones. Now, the moment when we realise the existence of the “itty bitty flaw”, the love hormones are usually on the decline and we are beginning to see realistically, i.e. the rest of the package they represent.
For example, in the past, I happened to date taller men and I always thought that men deliberately chose shorter women to appear ehm.. more manly and powerful to their ladies, perhaps an ego boost LOL But, surprisingly, I got attracted to someone a little shorter than me (yet still good looking by my standards). But the problem disappeared, since he was still as confident and charming when I wore heels and had lots of other lovely qualities, so I had no readon to clench about it:)
Now, while I agree with most of your points, there are situations where completely withholding your judgment can really corner you. You used drugs as one of your examples. Well, I met my bf at the university and we clicked instantly, he quickly became one of my best opposite sex friends. He happened to smoke weed regularly (while I was a quitter), but it did not bother me, because when we hanged around at the campus, we usually pubbed/clubbed it with other coursemates or spent time in the library, so I was not exposed to it. We have been friends for about a year when I became single and we started dating shortly after. When he asked me to be his official girlfriend, I had already known I didn't want to partner an addict, but since I knew he was really attracted to me, I agreed to go out with him on the condition that he quits. I smoked weed in the past and I found it had detrimental effects on my motivation as well as memory retention, so I did not want to be constantly exposed to the temptation. He did quit for a year, after which he smoked it each time we encountered some difficulty, like moving house, or changing jobs, situations that are stressful. He still smokes, while I managed to stay away from it. Even-though I don't get tempted by him smoking weed, it puts a strain on the relationship, as his temper is much worse when he stops for more than a day, among his other wonderful character traits that sadly degraded:/ Not who I've fallen in love for, but a guy who smokes out of comfort to drawn things he's unhappy about that are beyond mine/his control.
So, despite the fact that how other people chose to live their lives is none of my business, whether they want to smoke, drink or have a dick implanted on their own forehead, addiction is not something I'm going to look past in my next partner. So, while focusing on little flaws we all have, can indeed ruin the experience of your partner, it's important that the “itty bitty” does not clash with your values.
I totally agree with you on the main point. We cannot change people, unless they themselves recognize the need/desire for it, i.e. arrive at the conclusion that a particular behaviour hinders their happiness in some way or that they could benefit from a new habit, then and only if they persist, the change can occur.
Ah if only I could have read this a few years back LOL Well live and learn. If you're going out with someone, take your time getting to know them once you notice things that you'd want to change in your "pickle", be realistic and assume these “flaws” are permanent. Then think of what really matters to you and really question the reasons for holding this view, if you haven't yet. And finally ask yourself whether you can see past them "flaws". If not, then don't waste your time, you're not a match.