The Biggest Reasons Texting Can Kill a Perfect Relationship

Not only is texting while driving dangerous but texting your significant other while in a relationship is quickly becoming one of the top reasons for breakups.

Texting is severely limited in interpersonal communication but it can be useful for direct questions like:

“What time will you be home?”
“How much does it cost?”
“Do you want me to bring you something to eat?”

Beyond these limited direct uses it definitely causes problems for most couples.

Fist off, text and the written language have steadily become less effective as a means of communication over time. It seems that no one takes the time to read what’s written or try to understand things from the authors viewpoint. Instead, they end up skimming or noting keywords and then taking it in the most offensive way they can think of.

Worse yet, readers now tend to focus on the least important thing the author was trying to explain and make it the most important thing. Here’s an exaggerated example of what I see becoming more frequent.

Texter 1: “Hey, I know you want to get married and all, but I really don’t have the money right now. Do you think it would be a problem to push it back a few months? I have to pay for some unexpected expenses. Oh yeah, I forgot to take the garbage out.”

Texter 2: “What do you mean you forgot to take the garbage out? I f’ing told you to put it out last night. You’re so irresponsible.”

Texter 1: “…”

Texter 2: “What? You always do stuff like this, it’s annoying.”

Texter 1: “Are you being serious right now?”

Texter 2: “Yes, I told you last night not to forget. TTYL, don’t text me anymore today.”

I’ve seen things like this happen for better or for worse. The problem with texting is that people are getting an array of things all at once which can make the conversation too debate like – there are simply too many things to address.

Other issues with texting are that people are busy doing things (probably texting other people at the same time) so they aren’t willing to get into those deep decision making conversations with you, sometimes all you get are short responses.

The way people treat texting is drastically different for each person. Some people treat it like a legal summary and some like a form of quick communication.

Ever take the time to send someone a long text and get a reply like this?

Texter 1: “Hey I just wanted to say thank you for meeting me out last night. I really appreciated talking about that real estate deal. You sure seem to know what you’re doing. I’d like to get together again some time and discuss some other ideas. I have a few projects I think you’d be interested in investing in and there are a few deals I have right now that I think we could work together as a team. Maybe we can meet up this week sometime.”

Texter 2: “No Problem”

And that’s all they respond with. You either stop there and don’t send them another text or you send them another long text to clarify what “no problem” meant and they give you another short response.

More problems that arise from texting is that not everyone is at the same language, reading, and comprehension level. If your texts are too complex you’ll lose people and if they are too simple they’ll yearn for you to be more specific and direct because they can’t figure out what you’re saying.

The biggest problem with texting isn’t any of these things though.

The biggest problem is that texting allows you to talk AT someone like an inanimate object and awkwardly bypass the regularities of oral communication.

Most conversations that happen in person don’t allow for someone to say everything they want nor does it allow for people to gather such defined points because it happens in a live setting. You can’t be in a conversation and stare at the other person for 20 minutes while you think of a few high impact things to say, it doesn’t work that way.

But in text it does.

You can literally be mad at someone, go think about it for a few days, and come back with a well thought out discussion that the other person doesn’t’ even know is coming. You literally progress a conversation in your mind without having the other person there along the way to follow your reasoning and logic.

By the time you go talk to them you’re delivering things to them that you’ve already thought out and they haven’t.

To them it’s like you’re giving a lecture or a presentation. Like somehow they are paying money and getting a ticket to come hear what you have to say; that’s why texting is horrible for most interpersonal communication.

The definition of interpersonal communication is: “Interpersonal communication is the process of sending and receiving information between two or more people.”

See the keywords? Sending AND Receiving.

With texting you are forcing people to show up to your scripted performance where you have the only mic and they are your audience. It’s not a two way street.

You talk at them like they are an object or like they are just words on a piece of paper. You leave out the fact that they are a real person with thoughts and feelings. So you say whatever you have to say. You don’t have to look at anyone while you say it, you don’t have to see their reaction, and most importantly, they cannot interrupt you.

Interruption sometimes stops us from saying really stupid and hurtful things but through text you get to say them anyways. What started out as a simple conversation works its way into a complex argument and neither person knows how they got there or what they are talking about anymore; it’s a pissing match and the only result is people are being hurt.

If you were to talk to a person they would have something to say after every point you make. They wouldn’t allow you to talk because communication between you and your significant other is not a debate.

You are not each awarded talking time with minutes. It has to be done respectfully and the other person has to be allowed to defend themselves if you’re going to make an accusation.

In texting there is none of that because it allows for you to send a shit storm in each others direction without the direct consequences.

If you could see them get angry or see them cry – if you were face to face to them and realized how much you cared for them; then you probably wouldn’t say some of the things you said through text.

What usually happens when you see them in person after sending a text shit storm their way?

For most of us we realize we fucked up. That even if there was a real issue, we handled it in the wrong way.

My advice to you is to block texts between you and your significant other if you are having a hard time communicating with them or frequently arguing through text is to only allow them to talk to you about anything in person or through voice on the phone. Don’t even let them send you emails if there are issues with them. No one needs to read a shit storm dissertation through email.

Just because communication is degrading in quality doesn’t’ mean it has to degrade the quality of your relationship. And if you get into the middle of a shit storm, don’t respond to it with a shit storm. Know when to stop and let things cool off, have no fear, the other person will realize how stupid it was to say what they did in time responding with a shit storm only makes it worse. And if they don’t figure it out, then they aren’t worth it anyways, let them go play in their own sandbox.