What You Thought You Needed – On Being Used

Do you find yourself in a relationship where you feel like you’re being used for something or that the person you’re with only wants you for certain things? Maybe it’s money, maybe it’s sex, maybe it’s a place to live, maybe it’s a car, it could be anything that you may feel this way about. 

Maybe how you feel is true and it’s actually what the person you’re with is using you for but how unfortunate would it be if it wasn’t? Has the thought crossed your mind?

I realized something the other day about this because I’ve been in relationships where my person has said to me you only seem to care about this or want me for this and I’ve been on the other end of that spectrum too where I’ve felt like the person I was with only wanted me for a few certain things or was using me for certain things. Whether or not these feelings or thoughts are true I had some self-reflection on it.

That’s when I realized that feelings of inadequacy or lack of self-worth, which is oftentimes exactly why you feel like you’re being used almost all of the time, are well defined in the word “self-worth”. Meaning, they stem from yourself, not from anyone else or what anyone is doing to you.

Let’s dive deeper.

The things that I feel I personally have to offer or know I can offer and offer well, have been or were; money, houses, cars, and other forms of stability. I assigned that value to myself and that’s what I thought I was worth. For some reason when I started to think about a relationship those are the stances I took on myself. No one else defined them for me. Whether or not I was actually being used for such things I may never know, but the fact that I thought I was, was simply from my own insecurities.

In other words, these things I thought I was being used for were things that I knew I had nailed down to the T, they were things I was good at or had, but on the other hand I may have not been so confident about other things in a relationship. Maybe I didn’t feel I was the greatest sex partner, or maybe not attractive enough, or wasn’t funny enough.

Having feelings of inadequacy makes most people want to work harder to improve on things they don’t have. You may find your partner trying to work and make money so they can pay the bills or help out because they feel inadequate in that realm. You may find your partner trying to have sex with you all the fucking time, not just because they want it, but because they want to please you, they want to improve themselves, they want to show you that they can be the best at it, no matter how long it takes, and they want you to tell them it’s great. This can be true for anything, but sex and money seem to be where a lot of inadequacy stems from.

Have you ever heard a comment from someone in a relationship to another person while you’re out that’s along the lines of “you only keep me cause of my good lucks” or “you just like me for the sex” these sarcastic insider jokes that stem from an insecurity which may be the result of a feeling of being inadequate.

Have someone tell you that you’re only here for sex? Whether or not it’s true, it’s a value your partner has put on themselves. It means they know they have that part nailed and they are great at it, on the other hand, they can’t possibly come up with other reasons as to why you would stay in a relationship at all so they focus on those few things. These are also feelings of inadequacy.

Sometimes they are said just so that you can reinforce their low self-value. They may want to hear you say, “oh that’s not true, you’re great at this and this and this” and other times they may honestly believe that you find value in only a few certain things.

Let’s face it. If you’re only there for a house, you’re only there for sex, a vehicle, for good looks, or whatever the case may be, if this was true, you wouldn’t really have a relationship at all. These simple things are not good building blocks for a solid relationship and it will quickly deteriorate. The only way to stop it from deteriorating if any of that is true is to be open with your partner about it, then you can form a contractual relationship which some people do.

In other words, you might say look, we don’t have much in common but I really think you’re great in the bed, and look you need a place to live and someone to take care of you, I’m willing to do all of that in exchange. Let’s make a deal.

This may sound sick to you, but unfortunately there are tons of “relationships” today that are living under a silent contract like the one above, just no one has the balls to say it.

In every relationship that I’ve ever been in, it’s never been about the one thing, it’s never been about the sex, it’s not about that for me. It’s about being happy. And not just being happy happy, but I also don’t like to hit lows. I can’t be happy sad happy sad, I need respect and trust in my relationship like everyone else. Someone who is willing to consider your feelings in the matter and possibly make small changes and sacrifice for you so it can work.

The entire point of being in a relationship is to build something together, keep your individuality sure, but have respect for one another and don’t let your individuality intentionally ruin a good thing.

Summary, if you find yourself saying to another person that they only want x and x from you, whatever that may be, it’s time to stop and evaluate yourself. It’s time to figure out why you feel inadequate. Ask yourself questions about you and your partner. Is it how your partner talks about certain topics or reacts to certain things you do that make you feel you don’t do those things well enough?

If it is, talk to them. But in the end, after self-reflection and talking to your partner, if you still feel like you’re being used for something, you had better accept your situation or “go on”, otherwise you’ll drive yourself insane and drive a wedge further between two people, two people who could spend the rest of their lives happy together if it just wasn’t for that “one” thing wrong. Lack of self-worth creates lack of confidence and being confident is something most people find very attractive. Don’t ruin yourself!