The downfall of any relationship starts to occur when you or your partner begin to feel like you are contributing more to the relationship than the other. Most people become blind to the significance of their partners contribution and stop valuing it.
We become so accustomed to our partners contribution that we treat it as an autonomous contribution rather than an active one. This allows us to ignore our partners core contribution and focus on other things. Sure, taking out the trash, doing dishes, and taking care of the kids are important, but they are not the only areas of responsibility.
Even though one partner may bust their ass, take care of all of the bills, and support everyone in the house, the other person seems to easily forget that they do anything at all. Now the fighting starts as they demand more of their partner in addition to the massive load of responsibility and contributions they already have.
In most cases, if we were able to actually assign values of contribution this would be the equivalent to the working partner is this scenario already contributing half or more to the relationship and then expected to split the other half with their partner, putting him/her at over 75% of the contribution.
Oddly, the other person in the relationship contributing a measly 25% will actually feel like it’s more 50/50 and in all honesty they will still feel they are contributing more than the other person with just their 25% contribution.
Once the 75/25 ritual has been completed for awhile, it will become autonomous again, and the original complaining partner is likely to complain again and over value their contribution to the relationship. They might push for the contribution to move to 90/10 this time. You may find the partner that already works 40 hours a week to provide for his/her family having to do the majority of the housework, the majority of raising the children, and more.
Although this partner already contributes 40 hours a week to the relationship through his/her profession and the other partner only works part-time on housework and household functions, a complaining partner can easily ignore the level of contribution even when it’s so easy to see they do not contribute more when broken down into hours per week.
Now don’t get me wrong, in some cases, the partner that values their contribution more than the other partner may actually have a case, but it’s really rare. And I know what you’re thinking, “I know it’s rare but in my case it’s legit” so I will tell you no it’s not and you’re wrong. Sorry, but you are not the exception or the rare case if you are here reading this blog.
If you feel like you contribute more to the relationship and feel the need to complain about it, this is because you have a large ego, not because you are right. Your ego has granted you the ability to devalue and ignore the contributions of your partner. Don’t break up a good relationship and a good thing because of your ego and please stop over valuing the things you do, relationships are a team sport.
There’s no reason to argue or start a fight with your partner ever. If you really feel like you’re contributing more, sit down and have a talk with your partner about it in a civil manner. I will guarantee you that 99.999% of the time your partner also feels like they do more than you but just haven’t said anything yet. They have decided to take the peaceful route and just accept on faith that you are contributing equally in the best way you know how too simply because they love you.
People value what they do differently and people value what others do differently. Your partner may not give you as much credit for the things you do and you don’t give them the credit they deserve either. You may think it’s no big deal for them to work 40 hours a week and feel like running the household is the real job, but the reality is you can’t function without both.
So if you’re going to undervalue the contributions of your partner, then you’re probably in the wrong relationship or you could just be a person that’s never happy with anything. You could also have an ego problem or a psychological disorder or all of the above.
Relationships are built on faith and trust, the minute you undervalue your partners contribution is the minute you breach the core values of a relationship. Nobody will tolerate a 90/10 breakdown of contribution for long, especially not when they see it as 90/10 and you see it as 50/50. They will start to resent you, even if you convince them to take on more responsibility you are damaging your relationship. They are most likely doing it, not because they agree, but because they are willing to be the bigger person and just do it because they value the relationship more than themselves.
Perhaps Maslow has some insight to offer.
The needs of humans starts first with physiological needs and works it’s way down the ladder from safety to love and affection. If you were starving, you wouldn’t be focused on who takes care of the kids or does the dishes, you would be completely caught absorbed in trying to get food.
If you were living paycheck to paycheck and starving in between then the working partners contribution would be the greatest contribution on earth to you. You would wait for them to come home with their paycheck and run to the store, worshipping them the entire way.
But when starvation becomes a rare emergency condition, and your partner has done a great job of working and putting food on the table, people tend to get too comfortable. In some cases, they will completely ignore the importance of satisfying this need and the contribution associated with it.
Only when the physiological needs are met can people focus on their other needs. In some egotistical people, the partner could completely satisfy several levels of their needs but only be valued on their contribution to the unsatisfied need. It’s amazing what the human ego is capable of. Only the human ego can say, “I don’t care that you give me food, shelter, safety, love, and lift me up when I’m down — I expect more, like when’s the last time you surprised me with a gift.”
If you were starving in the wilderness and running from a pack of wolves, you would see your contributions and problems a little bit differently.
So to any partner that thinks they contribute to the relationship more than the other person: Stop doing what you’re doing and see how that plays out for you when your partner stops contributing as well.
Go ahead, lay your cards on the table. If you find yourself starving and homeless, you may want to reconsider your position and the value of your partners contribution. On the other hand, if you’re fine, but your partner isn’t okay, it will be a reality check for them.
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