Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away
Written by a semi popular Psychologist, Bethany Miller, whom appears on several TV shows, this is a book about getting the relationship you want and deserve.
I imagine a lot of people will read a book like this and try to apply it to their partner or people they know. But I will tell you, if you aren’t considering yourself while reading this book then you mine as well put it down. Relationships are two way streets.
This book is written from the perspective of a female but every aspect of it almost equally applies to the perspective of a male as well. It’s covered with real life stories but the problem with this book is that it actually stereotypes everyone into 5 main personality traits: “The Scriptwriter, The Man in Charge, The Man Without Fault, The Invisible Man, and The Little Boy Who Poses as a Man”.
Replace the word Man with Woman and Boy with Girl and you have your dichotomy. As I read this book I felt immediately gravitated toward identifying my partner as having some of or all of the traits of these 5 personalities as grouped in the book. Immediately, you want to run and tell them they are a “Scriptwriter” etc, but I think this is a big mistake.
I realized that it would be unusual if everyone didn’t fit every personality in this book at some level. As I continued reading I started thinking about how I would perceive myself and realized I fit into a lot of these personality traits as well.
The next thing I had to decide was do I need to change or does my partner need to change and are these things really deal breakers. The answer I came up with the majority of the time was a no, however, I have implemented some of the changes in the book for myself, which I believe has helped my relationship.
There are some serious red flags in each personality type to me and the recommendations or solutions Bethany gives in her book are somewhat useful in alleviating these problems, but at the end of the day, I feel this book should be read for self-reflection of yourself and not to judge others or your partner.
I can’t think of anyway to benefit a relationship by reading this book and then judging your partner about his/her personality type and what he/she needs to do based on these recommendations in the book. If these things you read about in the book are really a big issue in your relationship, I would recommend you read the book for yourself and self-reflect, then pass it on your partner to read and ask them to do the same. I do not believe pointing fingers would help alleviate problems in relationships and I do not believe classifying people into stereotypes because they have some of the personality traits in a chapter is a good idea either.
When’s the last time you liked being called a Narcissist or Egoist because you demonstrated some of the traits of such disorders? And who said those traits are bad anyways? It’s all a matter of perception honestly.
I did appreciate Dr Marshals diagnosis and treatment suggestions, not because I agree with them or think they’ll help, but because it was interesting to see the stereotypes and what she felt caused them. This will help you understand your partner better at the least.
I do not think you need to be having relationship problems or issues to read this book and I think the information could be useful on a general level. Like I said, I read the book, found where I matched, and made changes to myself. I feel even if your partner completely matches a personality trait, that instead of asking them to change, you can become more understanding to their condition and better accommodate each other.
After all, aren’t relationships about compromise and sacrifice for something beautiful that lasts forever?
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