“Okay fine…we’ll go.”
He realized as soon as he said it that he had given in again. He had told himself that he wouldn’t continue do to this to himself anymore. This was not the lifestyle he wanted, it was not the one he imagined – ever; but then again, he couldn’t picture himself with anyone else either.
She was the one for him, he was sure, and if he could just get through this or that, and if he could just deal with all the things he didn’t like about her, then he could focus on all of the things he liked about her. After all, it’s impossible to like everything about anyone…right?
Am I making sense he began to wonder.
Some days were better than others but he had a feeling that a lot of the things he was willing to accept and justify he was only doing for her – she could do no wrong, he was at her command.
He was afraid to talk to anyone about what he went through because they might think he’s crazy. He had tried many times before to discuss these things with his friends but he never came to the same conclusion as his friends did – so he just stopped talking to them.
Now it was him and just himself, trapped in his own little word – the one in his mind. His reality was his own, well kind of, she was ruler of the universe and her rules always governed this reality no matter what they are, no matter if they were one sided, nothing had to be equal in this reality. What was considered sane to society he no longer considered at all.
“Helloooooo!”
He jumped. She was staring directly at him, those big beautiful brown eyes – such intensity, such power; the kind of eyes you could look into forever and not give a shit about anything else — and then he suddenly realized he been drifting off in thought again.
“I hate when you do that, you get this weird look in your eyes and you just stare. It’s kind of creepy….What were you thinking about anyways?”
“You know…just some stuff; like what I was going to do today.”
“Well can you think about that later? We really have to get going if we’re going to be on time.”
“Sure, I’ll get my coat.”
He went to grab his coat and when he returned he noticed that she was wearing the dress he had bought her. It clung to her thin body, every delicate angle exposed. Her figure was impressive, she was not tall, and while she didn’t care too much for her body, he thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
It was a constant struggle between them that never ended. She would point out something she didn’t like and he would say she was perfect the way she was.
He opened the door to let her out of the house and opened the door for her to get into the car. He never used to open doors but it was all but a requirement now at this point. She wanted to be treated like a princess so he abided by her rules to make her happy.
Now that he thought about it, he never really used to do anything for anyone like he did for her. He found himself taking her out frequently, buying her flowers, and randomly giving her gifts; but they were all short lived. The more he did and the more he tried the more immune she became. Where some relationships you were lucky if you went out to dinner once a year, in this one, if you didn’t go out once a week or more you would hear about it, it was no longer a romantic surprise, but rather, an expectation.
“Close the door it’s cold out here.”
He was rudely interrupted again. This time he had been standing at her door with it wide open. He didn’t say anything in response, he just closed the door and went around the car to sit in the drivers seat.
He sat down and took a deep breath. Turning the car on and listening to the familiar rumble of the exhaust was soothing. He had always found comfort in driving, no matter what was going on in his life, the simple act of driving made him feel like he was going somewhere.
He took a deep breath and put the car into reverse to back out of the driveway. “Things will settle down,” he told himself. “If I can just get through tonight then I can relax for awhile.”
As much as he wanted to believe that; he knew it wasn’t true. He wasn’t sure it would ever be true but he went on anyway. There was always something to go to, some friend to see, some event, some person of so great of an importance that she needed to go. She seemed to live by the thrill of the night.
He knew deep down inside it would never end, that he would never be enough, he was simply her launching point for her endeavors. That aircraft carrier in the sea, that strategic base over seas, and that place that maybe you call home and return to. It sure didn’t feel like any home he remembered.
Where logic and reasoning failed, she could always justify doing whatever she wanted in her own way. And whenever he tried to use the same reasoning as her to do some of the things she had done, she shot him down and unjustified it for him. Where she would get mad for days at a time for his small actions, she would also get mad if he reacted to her actions, big or small.
It was a relationship of pure pain but then on some days the purest love you could imagine. He was always going to be wrong, like a cheat at a game of poker, there was always a card up her sleeve. It didn’t matter how long ago things happened, the card stayed forever. Where in one instance she would be sad and angry and upset, in another he would bring up the same concerns and she would get offended and tell him to get over it already.
Some days weren’t worth talking at all and some fights were not worth having. On everyday, it didn’t matter what he did wrong or what she did wrong because he was always wrong and her actions were always right, even when they were equal actions. If she went out with her friends it was okay but he could not go out with his. All her friends were legit, while some of his were off limit. Never equal.
Always restrictions, always rules, and always passive control. Sometimes it was better to do nothing at all and let her run free to avoid the capital punishment he would get for standing up for himself.
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