Sometimes you run into a person that just says the most random shit to you and you can’t figure out why. It could be a friend, a lover, a family member, or a stranger; but they seem to just drop lines at random that bother you. Not because what they said bothered you, but because the person saying them bothers you.
When you confront these people about why they said what they did, they claim that you have issue with what was said, blatantly ignoring the real problem, which is why the fuck they just said what they did.
They like to say the truth hurts or it wouldn’t bother you if you were over such things but let’s think about it. When someone talks to you in a way that you view as derogatory or you think they have the intent of hurting you, you become angry at that person. What was said becomes completely irrelevant or a secondary issue at that time.
The truth is, even if you aren’t over what they said or it does hurt, your reaction or what they claim is an over reaction is simply caused by that person and not what they said. People that are hurt by things that someone else says usually do not confront the person saying it unless they feel that person is intentionally trying to cause emotional damage to them.
In most cases if something gets legitimately brought up in conversation without the intent of hurting anyone and a person is affected by what was said, they will quietly retreat or distance themselves from that person or conversation, not confront them. They are more likely to change topics and the person who said something, if they have good social awareness, will pick up on the reaction and either apologize or give up the topic after recognizing what might have happened.
It’s not hard to be socially aware enough to pick up on the fact that you might be a dickhead. If you’re laughing and having a good time with a friend and then you mention his favorite dog that died awhile back and the conversation tone and energy drops and there’s really not much to say, then realize you’re possibly a dickhead, and apologize or switch topics and stop talking. Mood shifts are not hard to detect, if you’ve ever lived with anyone for any period of time, you can pick up on them almost immediately by watching body language.
When you run into these, dickheads we’ll call them for now, you could really care less about what was said or how that impacts you, your first priority is to determine the why, and then to decide whether or not this person even belongs around you. This type of scenario has happened to me many times.
I confront the person who said what they said and they try to tell me some bullshit line about how what they said affected me and make a bunch of assumptions based off that, when in actuality as I said above, my problem is with the person and why they would say such things.
These things could be references to dead relatives, a mistake you made in the past, or anything really. And what they say may or may not bother you, that’s not the issue at hand. The issue is, why would they go and say something about it knowing that it might possibly affect you? Just to fuck with you? To try to hurt your feelings ? For some gratification of their own?
I don’t have the answer to this one guys, some people are just mean assholes it would seem, but I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe credit them with an accidental slip up. But as a hypothetical example, let’s say you ran over your favorite pet on accident while backing out of the driveway because you didn’t see them (I keep using pets because they are emotional and I really don’t want to get onto relatives or more sensitive issues, so substitute the pet stuff for something that bothers you if you wish).
Let’s say you’re talking to some person that knows about it or heard about it and you’re having a conversation that has nothing to do with this pet. But out of nowhere, they drop the line in about you running over your pet. Maybe it’s in reference to you not being reliable or caring or some other thing, and maybe you’re hurt by what they said and not over it, maybe you are over it, but you want to know why they said it.
You want to know because you need to determine if this person is just an evil spirited asshole that you could do without and needs to be punched in the face or they really think you’re not caring because of you’re mistake or it was just a slip up or bad joke. Each one of those three determinations will result in different actions and feelings toward that person.
Maybe you’re in a relationship and someone drops something on you and hints at but doesn’t directly say something they should. Maybe they gave you an ultimatum, maybe they gave you a conditional statement, maybe they said it for shits and giggles. Perhaps what they said was along the lines of “you did something to me last year” and maybe they follow up with “we need to change something” or maybe they don’t and leave you hanging, but you’re not bothered by what was said you’re bothered by why they might have said it.
So I’ve come up with three things I evaluate or would like to know when someone talks to me. If they can’t meet this criteria, the proper response is to tell them to shut the fuck up. It’s simple right?
The first thing you want to know is: What’s the point of what you are saying?
The second thing you want to know is: What affect does this have on me?
The third thing you want to know is: Does a decision result from this?
So here’s what this looks like when it’s completed.
1 – You killed my dog – point
2 – This makes me sad and angry with you – affect
3 – We are no longer friends – decision
Unfortunately, when you’re around people that need to shut the fuck up, oftentimes, you don’t even get their point or the point is so blatantly stupid or meaningless, that you can’t figure out how its going to affect you and you sure as hell can’t figure out if there’s a decision that needs to be made because of it.
Relationships are no different.
1) You didn’t put the toilet seat down, you never put the toilet seat down. – point
2) This pisses me off – affect
3) I’m going to break up with you if you don’t start putting it down – decision (ultimatum)
So if you find yourself in any type of confrontational, uncomfortable, argumentative, or intense conversation with anyone; always remember PAD (Point, Affect, Decision). If they are missing any of the three, then you need to tell them to just shut the fuck up or stop talking to that person.
Some people like to bicker, bitch, or complain. They might not even make a point, but if they do make a point, and they do have an affect, then you need the decision. Without the decision the entire point of the conversation is meaningless.
The decision doesn’t have to be a statement it can be a question. The decision process can ask things like: “What can we do to get you to put the toilet seat down?”
From this question you get an answer, and can make a statement decision. A decision needs to result in some type of action. If you make no decision or determination after point and affect, then you’re wasting your time and probably making someone else unhappy.
Snap this into relationships, here’s more examples.
1. You spent all of our money on your bad habit
2. We have no money for groceries
3. You need to attend drug rehab, Can you cut down on your habit?, I’m going to leave you if this happens again, or I’m leaving you
See how vital the third step is. If you didn’t have decisions then you end up with.
1. You spent all our money on boos
2. We have no money for groceries
Next time:
1. You spent all our money on boos
2. We have no money for groceries
You see without repercussions or some type of decision in the process you can never advance passed this stage. So this person you’re with is an alcoholic, spends all the money, you starve, and you never do anything about it other than yell at them or start an argument.
Stop fucking bitching just to bitch. Stop fucking talking to just hear your voice. Start making some mother fucking decisions, and get on with your life. Too many people have hundreds of unfinished conversations floating around in their lives that never get solved or fixed because they don’t make it to step 3.
So whether its a serious relationship that this is happening in or you just got some dickhead person you know that always says the wrong things at the wrong times just to fuck with you, drop that shit like it’s hot and surround yourself with better people.
PAD does not apply to casual conversation, it only applies to debated or intense conversation, controversial shit if you will, you can casually talk all you want without someone getting angry and without anyone ever having to make a point or decision on anything. The intent of this article does not apply to casual and regular conversation.
Through casual conversation you can talk about squirrels without any points, affects, or decisions being made. But if you’re like a lot of people who find themselves in the same stupid arguments or conversations repeatedly, it’s time to apply some PAD to your life and get them over with.
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