Heart Goes Numb

How do you pick up the pieces of a relationship you once had?

How do you restore the lost love?

There were many times where things ran flawlessly and everything was in what seemed like a harmonious balance.  Problems were small and love was plentiful.

On the other side of the equation, there were just as many time periods where everything went wrong and love was nowhere to be found.

As we examine our history, we have a natural tendency to think that we now have the knowledge to solve those conflicts, that knowing what we know now, we could prevent those things from reoccurring.

This leads us to believe that only the good would remain. We have the tendency to see, feel, and remember only the good as time deadens the emotion of our pain.

Humans naturally strive towards bettering themselves or “getting better”, that over time, our body and mind will try to heal itself and feel good, and it is with this shift that all of the wrongdoings we’ve experienced become not so wrong anymore.

How quickly we forget what we’ve learned. How quickly we ignore what we’ve experienced. How quickly we’re willing to rub the magic lamp and wish things could be like they were again when it was good.

The desire is so overwhelming that we even convince ourselves that it can be so. So we give our partner another chance, or chances upon chances.

They promise change, but like every politician, change does not come.

We take the first step and start to resolve the imperfections they saw with us but we get no reciprocation. We become discouraged. Not only has our partner not changed but they still refuse to change even though we feel we went first to change ourselves for them.

The stand off begins.

The silent deal has been broken, they promised change, and change they did not deliver.  We are stuck again with the same thing we had and didn’t want, deceived by our own naivety.

The heart goes numb.

You can no longer feel, yet there still remains an intense bonding with this entity.   Although they make your life harder than it has to be, it is hard to sever the connection, life loses meaning, you lose purpose, and begin to feel lost.

We become comfortably numb, we begin to deal with the discomfort because it is familiar, we know it, but deep inside we fear the unknown and it paralyzes us from running far away.  We are a prisoner of our own mind.

Our thoughts become dark, our mind begins to eat itself alive. We are drowning in these thoughts and conflict, the cognitive dissonance is too much.  We blame ourselves. We blame our partner. We just blame…

When you are away from your partner they continue to destroy your mind and cause you emotional chaos. When you are with your partner you are oftentimes struck by sudden sadness, the bipolar floods your mind like an all too familiar disease.

When the dysfunction is close in proximity to you, you begin to wonder what else is out there, when the dysfunction is away, you try to minimize the damage they cause you.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but this entity is neither friend nor foe.

You hurt everyday, everyday you hurt yourself.

When they are away it is pain, when they are near it is pain.

You may begin to think that the only way out of this trap is if one of you were to die because it doesn’t seem that you could both exist at the same time without destroying each other.

So how do you pick up the pieces of a relationship you once had when the heart goes numb?

I do not know, but sometimes I wish I had never met you.