What are you going to do?
Are you really going to spend the rest of your live trying to stop someone from being themselves? And in exchange will you give up being yourself for them?
If you’ve read my article “Every Relationship is Full of Control – Understanding Passive Control” then you’ve probably realized that you are always under some type of indirect control. If you haven’t read that article yet then I suggest you take a look as it will be a great precursor to this one.
To summarize: Passive control is presented to you in the choices you are faced to make. It is not a form of active or direct control where someone says that you cannot do something or directly prevents you from doing something but rather a fun filled world of ultimatums and a consideration of others that will leave you shattered to pieces and lying broken on the floor wondering who you are.
If prolonged you may even forget who you are or have to be admitted to a psychiatric ward. You will lose your self-identity and everything that was once precious to you as a person.
The best example of passive control comes from our very own government.
Very simply said, “You can pay your taxes or you can go to jail.”
“You can pay this speeding ticket or lose your driving privilege.”
See these are choices, neither of them are very good, but this happens everyday in relationships and you may not even realize it.
If someone has called you selfish before and tried to make you feel bad for taking care of yourself then you’ve probably been exposed to a form of passive control.
Humans by nature always do what is in their best interest for themselves first and through doing that it helps others.
Some people tremendously enjoy donating their time to community service, donating to charities, joining the peace corpse, and so many other things. They do those things because it benefits them, believe it or not, either through some type of emotional high or experience they were seeking, they do it for themselves.
If you forced people into these positions you get shitty service 10 out of 10 times.
You have to allow people to do what they want to do because that is where passion comes from, no matter what it is, they serve others best when they do what they “feel” like doing.
How many times has your been messed up at a fast food drive through?
Was it because they were incompetent? Or was it because they lack passion about their job?
Now ever have the best fast food service of your life?
Usually when I do it comes from an older person who has retired and is working to keep themselves busy and they are full of joy and friendliness or the service comes from some young person who aspires to become manager, whatever the case, passion is what makes great service.
Whether that be making people laugh or making a ton of money and paying more in taxes, when people do what they want, others benefit from it. In today’s day and age, just having the ability to take care of yourself removes a heavy burden from tax payers.
Some people who enjoy using passive control on you will guilt trip or manipulate you by claiming you are selfish, but the reality is, you’re just doing what’s best for YOU. You are being called selfish because they can see no benefit to them, so they are trying to control you.
“The man who cannot value himself, cannot value anything or anyone.” – Ayn Rand
“I swear, by my life and love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.” – Ayn Rand
And the slogan of my blog. “Arrogance is not about thinking you’re great, it’s about thinking you’re better.”
So be yourself and be great and remove all passive control restraints.
When it comes to relationships with passive control how much are you willing to give?
Every relationship has a consideration of other factor or as rough as it sounds, an ultimatum. These can be habits or actions that get heavily moderated. You end up with a conditional relationship. If you didn’t drink so much, if you stopped doing drugs, if you spent more time with your kids, if you spent more time with me, if you wouldn’t work so much, if we just did this, if we just did that, if you just listened, and the list goes on and on and on.
The other person is restricting things you may want to do through passive force. If you go out and drink your decision that night might be: Go out and drink or keep my relationship.
This is a decision most people face and a lot of people make the choice of keeping their relationship, but at some point, you feel so controlled that you snap and you go do what you want to do and give up your relationship if you have to. You feel free, like your breaking out of a cage and smashing the bonds that enslaved you. People can only tolerate so much so if you are giving up core things you like to do for someone else, there will come a tipping point.
If you do manage to keep the relationship together and both make all the required sacrifices the other wants then it forms a vicious circle that looks like this.
“You have two people who don’t do anything they want to do and in the end all they have is each other but the reason you fell in love with them was because at some point they did the things they wanted to do.”
What does that mean?
Well most likely you met them while they were out doing the stuff you now despise. Maybe at a bar or whatever that might be you met them doing something they like to do! Are you following me?
It is often said that the things that attract you to someone are also the things that repel you in the end.
You only live once, so is this it? Is this what life has been preparing for you? Is your current relationship one of passive control, if so, is it really worth it? When are you going to hit your tipping point?
You see, maybe you have a significant connection with someone else. Maybe that connection is 99% complete and you feel that THEY only need to change maybe 1% or give up the 1%.
I want to tell you today from everything I have read, know, and experienced, that no matter how small that incompatibility factor is, even if its .0000001%, that it truly makes all the difference.
If you have to change anything about that person or control them whether passively or actively, you’re are in serious trouble. Things can go fine undetected for many many years, I’ve seen couples just implode after 20 years, most implosions happen sooner, some longer.
The acceptance of your differences is more important than the amount of things you have in common. If you cannot accept and allow them to be themselves in the areas you do not agree on or are different, and if you feel they need to change, then how much you have in common is of no value…none.
I don’t care if it’s giving up hooker wednesday, video games, topless saturday, hooters friday, yoga, reading, long showers, meditation, running, gym, poker night, or anything you can possibly think of that is “stupid” to you – because it’s not to them.
And if you don’t argue continuously about such things and things appear fine, I will tell you that they are not, there is an implosion factor awaiting you. This is the basis for a “mid-life” crisis. People who aren’t under passive control by someone else don’t usually have a “mid-life” crisis. When you restrict people they lose track of who they are and have to break free and find themselves again.
A “mid-life” crisis is not a mental breakdown, it’s a mental solution and cure to years of mental neglect.
When I think about the overview of this article I’ll leave you with a few variations of the same quote I made, feel free to come up with your own.
“It is only through the acceptance and understanding of our differences that true relationships can form – no amount of similarities will allow an exception.”
“It is not the number of things we have in common that matters but rather our willingness to tolerate our differences.”
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