Dear future (ex)wife/girlfriend,
It is time we have a heart to heart. I know that by the time you read this it will probably be long overdue but it’s better late than never…unless we’re talking about CPR, using a condom, or stopping at a red light.
On second thought, there are many things where better late than never doesn’t apply. I don’t think your new husband or boyfriend would appreciate me finally calling to tell you I love you after we’ve been broken up for years.
So I hope this letter finds its way to you before it is too late, and if it is too late already, then I apologize, but I hope that it at least brings you some peace of mind.
The long rambling introduction to this letter may lead you to believe that this is the longest letter you are going to read in your life, in fact, many of you may have already stopped reading it already and went back to watching television.
However, I only have one thing to tell you, and if you think you understand what I’m saying after I tell you what that is, then you do not have to read any further.
So here goes.
The things I do MAY hurt you, but I don’t do them TO hurt you.
For those of you that need further explanation, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to suffer reading through my long winded explanation.
I want you to understand that I’m not insensitive, I have considered your feelings, and believe me I don’t do a lot of things already that I’d really like too because I take your feelings into consideration.
I don’t eventually decide to go do things that hurt you just to be malevolent so please don’t retaliate because you think that I did. Your retaliation is not vengeance worthy because it is done with ill intent just to spite me.
Always remember, how people treat you is their karma, how you react is yours.
Life is so short and I have decided long ago that I refuse to die with a bucket list just because of how someone else would have felt about the things I wanted to or felt I needed to do.
What about how I feel? This is my life afterall is it not?
Some chains I can accept and ignore, but I will not be tethered down by you, I am marching to the beat of my own drum, on my own mission, fulfilling my own life purpose (whatever that may be), and sometimes I won’t be able to be the person you expect me to be.
I am not you, nor am I an extension of you, you are not my puppet master, I am not your indentured servant. I do not think like you, I do not come to the same conclusions as you, there are many things different about us, there are many things we will never agree on, there are many opinions we do not share and maybe we never will no matter how much we discuss it.
People are different.
There are many things you already do that hurt me plenty that you’re probably not even aware of, but I have long ago come to the understanding that there are things that you also must do in your life for yourself that I may not approve of.
I do not bring them to your attention always because I am not willing to negotiate a restriction agreement which is inevitably what happens. You agree not to do something that hurts me and I agree not to do something that hurts you, and pretty soon after, no one can do anything they want because somebody else is hurt by it.
We cannot control what we do not understand.
But there can be no place for you in my life when you do things with ill intentions just to hurt me when I have not done any such thing to you.
The journey I am on has been ever changing and will always change into the unknown future. Very little of who and what I am will remain static for very long, only the truest forms of myself will withstand time.
Even if you had full control over me and thought you understood what direction I was heading in, you would only be setting yourself up for failure. People change, times change, circumstances change, and I will inevitably change and so will you.
What then? Will you continue to try to control and direct every change in my life down the road? Why live your life to try to control mine? It leaves you less time to control your own life and make the choices and changes you very much need because you’re too concerned with everyone and everything else around you.
The phrase “you do you and I’ll do me” is often said after a breakup and really is just a cocky ass way of trying to hurt someone with words. It is completely unnecessary to be said at all, each person in the breakup already understands that’s what’s about to happen, so why say it?
But what if… What if the phrase “you do you and I’ll do me” is actually the same motto used in every happy relationship and marriage?
A relationship not bound together by control and sacrifice. A relationship of pure freedom, understanding, and acceptance of your life partner.
I had a sergeant major once tell our unit after we were preparing for deployment post 9/11 that we need to be flexible like gumby. I had a cross country coach tell me to expect the unexpected.
To be successful in this life we must have the flexibility to deal with unexpected changes combined with the strength and persistence to see it through. We must accept that which we cannot control and we must understand that there is very little we can control.
Most of us can barely dictate what goes on in our own lives, what chance do you have honestly of controlling what goes on in the life of another human being, that’s just as complex as you, for any amount of time.
It is a losing battle that creates a lot of stress, anxiety, and instability — the opposite of what most humans wish to achieve, and by far the opposite of any relationship goals I have.
I implore you to see reason and understand that the things I do MAY hurt you, but I don’t do them TO hurt you — I don’t feel that you can say the same for yourself.
Thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
Future (Ex)Husband/Boyfriend
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