Codependency is a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another. Typically, the controller suffers from a pathological condition such as narcissism or drug addiction. In very broad terms this condition refers to the dependence of the needs or control of another.

Oftentimes you will find yourself placing your needs on a lower priority scale than your own. Making many sacrifices or not doing things you would normally do. There’s an easy test for this. At anytime during the day randomly ask yourself if you weren’t in a relationship with this person or they were not around would you be doing what you’re doing now?

If you’re at some place like work, then you’d probably say “yeah, I’d be doing this right now all by myself.” But typically you do or don’t do things because of the other person.

This is not to say that doing things with another person that you wouldn’t normally do is a bad thing. On the contrary, that’s part of being in a relationship. You will enjoy a great many things with your person that you wouldn’t normally be doing. But if you find your days and your actions are made up of things you wouldn’t normally be doing or feel like doing, that might be a sign that you’re in a codependent relationship.

The funny thing is that people in these relationships are attracted to each other.

These relationships are almost never one way streets!

This means that the pathological condition is usually shared in different ways by by each person. For instance, almost everyone demonstrates some form of narcissism at times although many people have a hard time admitting it because of the negative view being a narcissist has. They would rather be in denial instead of accept and understand themselves.

There are tons and tons of psychological and pathological conditions beyond narcissism that would cause a codependent relationship.

Here are 5 things that may exist in a codependent relationship.

Dependency

In a codependent relationship you will oftentimes find yourself waiting around to do something with your significant other. You stop making plans of your own unless they include them. Eventually you find out that you both do almost nothing because you’re both always waiting on each other. Oftentimes, you become overly sensitive to their feelings. You may even feel bad if you go somewhere without them or feel left out if they go somewhere without you.

This developed dependency will have you sitting around staring at each other, both people afraid to make plans of their own that doesn’t include the other for fear of retaliation. You will find it’s easier to do nothing then to go through the drama the next 4 things talk about.

Manipulation

What good is an unhealthy relationship without manipulation?

I’ve written extensively about passive control, manipulation is a form of that. With manipulation you can get another person to do something you want or not do something you dislike by simply putting out ultimatums because in this type of relationship there is always something you don’t want your person to do or something you want them to do that they can use against you.

Whether it be going out to get drunk with one of their friends you don’t like or some other type of behavior you dislike, they’ll tell you that’s what they are going to go do if you go and do whatever it is you had planned.

They could change plans and refuse to go with you somewhere else you had planned or even stop having sex with you or doing other activities you both enjoy. They will start placing sanctions on you left and right until you conform (works well with North Korea right?).

Guilt Trip

It is all but fitting for that trip you took however long ago to pick up an extra word and become a guilt trip. Remember that time you hung out with your friends or went somewhere without your other half?

It’s now a bargaining tool to be used against you. You’ll never hear the end of it and those things you did will be used against you forever, even if they were harmless, just because you did something without your significant other.

They become bargaining chips for things that your partner wants to do without you that you dislike.

“Don’t tell me I can’t go get drunk with Bill, remember 8 years ago when you went and got drunk with Sally and didn’t come home that night? That’s right if you can do it I can do it too!”

“But Sally is my sister and I didn’t even know you then…”

It doesn’t matter how innocent or what reason you had, in a codependent relationship they latch onto anything they can to toy with your emotions and gain control over you.

Destructive Behavior

Let’s say you do have the balls to go do your own thing, congratulations to you, but the codependent isn’t done with you yet. While you’re out doing things you’ll start receiving nasty texts, messages, and phone calls to let you know that you’re a piece of shit.

This communication will distract you and stress you out like it’s designed to do so that you either abandon your plans entirely or you can’t focus on what you’re doing or enjoy yourself while doing them.

Threats

In this stage they threaten to leave you or break up with you and will not hesitate to tell you about what they expect from their perfect boyfriend or girlfriend or what they expect from a significant other.

They’ll be very precise and clear on how you don’t meet what they’re looking for and how you’re not even as good as a person they dated in a past relationship.

They’ll draw comparisons of all the the things they used to have and what was so good about them without realizing the fact that you’re never going to be like someone else they used to date.

They’ll have a hard time understanding that you are what you are and it is what it is and trying to change those things about you will only result in more conflict and further separation until you hit a breaking point and just don’t care anymore.

Conclusion

If you do not embrace and accept the differences between each other then your relationship will meet its demise sooner or later. The differences are what attracts us and the uniqueness between us are what bonds us. The hardships that we endure strengthen that bond. The hardships that we renounce weaken us.