There are so many negatives that come to mind when people mention divorce with children. Not many people seem to be willing to talk about the positive things that happen in a divorce.
The reason a divorce happens is because things are not so great. They aren’t usually great for the couple or for their children. If that is true, then isn’t divorce a positive thing?
Of course it is!
So let’s get positive on your ass!
Before we begin I want to point out that this benefit we are about to discuss doesn’t have to happen through a divorce. It is possible to structure your life with your girlfriend or spouse in this manner so that you can get the same benefit.
Before we talk about the benefit let’s talk about the problem it solves.
The Problem In Relationships with Children
This may or may not be a severe problem but it is usually some type of problem in a relationship with kids. The problem is that both individuals are responsible at the same time for the children. This mainly happens because they live together.
Don’t get me wrong, all parents are always jointly responsible for their children, but what I mean is they are continuously responsible for actively supervising their children.
This means that you are always around your children and probably always around each other with the children. Your sex life fails, your social life plunges, and if you don’t have any money for babysitters or it’s too much of a hassle to get them, then there’s not really a whole lot you can do to fix this.
This leaves each person in the relationship continuously exhausted or as a great mentor once said, “It depletes your love tank”.
If you don’t continuously add fuel to your love tank your relationship dies out and you start blaming each other or becoming depressed or unhappy. Maybe you give up on life and just accept things how they are. Maybe you feel that you’re just going to have to deal with it for the next 18 years, some people do. They sacrifice the entirety of themselves and their relationship for their children.
I’ve gained a little bit of insight and made a few observations with this problem as I went through a divorce. Looking back I saw how the relationship that was once treasured steadily deteriorated over time.
The biggest complaints?
“We always have kids, we never get to do anything together, we never spend time together, we’re always tired, we don’t have a babysitter”; but they are all the same related complaint that single-handedly destroys many relationships.
Even if the relationship continues, it continues in a new form, a form of a parenting team working together to raise their children. No longer soul mates or intense lovers, no longer enjoying the relationship as it were when you entered it – no longer enjoying each other.
“Honey did you pick up the kids” “Honey can you bring Jasmine to ballet” “Honey can you go grocery shopping” “Honey can you check on the baby” Honey…honey…honey which eventually fades and becomes a command “It’s your turn, go check on…” then an argument “I did it last time…” or “I always make the kids lunches” or “You never help out with the kids you just expect me to do everything”.
Your relationship transformed over time. You’ve become depressed, maybe unhappy, and kind of living day to day; but you’re not sure what the problem really is or what to do about it.
So maybe you take it out on your spouse. Maybe you take it out on your kids. Maybe you can’t wait till the baby sleeps. Maybe you tell your kids to figure out their homework themselves. Maybe you don’t feel like taking the kids to a birthday party. Maybe you got so much stuff to do that even if you could get a babysitter you just want to relax on the weekend because you’re tired. And maybe you just turn on the TV to distract your kids so they stop bothering you.
That tree fort you promised them never gets built. That trip to the store, that trip to the playground, and more things never happen.
Your quality time with them has evaporated. Your quality time with yourself is gone. And your quality time with your spouse doesn’t exist anymore.
If you make it through these 18 years you’ll end up looking at your spouse after the kids leave the house and wondering “Who are you and did all that just really happen?”
So stop and ask yourself these questions:
“Am I getting quality time with anyone?”
“Is anyone benefiting from this arrangement?”
“Am I happy?”
“Are my kids happy?”
“Is my spouse happy?”
You’ll quickly find the answer to all of those questions to be a flat out “NO”.
You may be feeling kind of hopeless after reading all of that, but I am telling you that there is a solution to this problem. You can turn your life around today.
How To Get Quality Time With Everyone
When you think of a divorce, then you must think of what immediately happens and why it’s so powerful.
Most people move out and get their own place.
And therein lies the solution to the problem because this has several effects that are so tremendously powerful that it almost instantaneously fixes the problem.
As I wrote in “Love and Business: How to Flatline a Perfect Relationship”, moving in together is the root of almost all relationship problems. With that said, then moving back out is the solution.
I’m not saying that you can’t be happy and live together, it’s been done. What I’m saying is if you’re suffering from some of the problems above, this might be a solution for you.
When you live separately through divorce or not and you have children you immediately (unless one of the partners is a deadbeat) split custody of the children.
If your partner is a good parent, your biggest mistake is to fight for full custody, let them take half, you’ll be happier and here’s why.
You Now Have A Babysitter Half Time For Free
All of a sudden you go from having to supervise the children full time to only having them half the time. That means you’re alone for the first time in forever. You can go where you want, do what you want, and most people quickly end up in a relationship again and it’s magical like when they met their spouse. Problem solved.
This doesn’t mean you have to be divorced to use this solution; if this was your arrangement then you would have a tremendous opportunity to build your relationship and make it stronger.
You’re also not just around each other by default and the time you do spend together most likely won’t be hanging around the house all the time. You’ll probably start to plan events or activities, even movie night will be 20x better. You’ll enjoy your person so much more. The more separation you can get the more you’ll miss them and the less you’ll take them for granted. It’s a balancing act that most people fail to realize before it’s too late.
The way to replicate this without getting divorced is to have both parents get a job or hobby and enroll your kids in school or daycare. Make sure you setup a night a week at least with a babysitter. Being away from each other and the kids for 8 hours a day will help substantially. It doesn’t work with one person at home taking care of the kids, each person has to be away from everything for some period of time, even if it’s just an hour, it will help you tremendously.
When you leave one person at home, the person at home is exhausted from taking care of the kids all day and the person who comes home from work is exhausted from working. The person from work wants to sit down and relax and the person who was at home wants the other parent to take over. Not a good setup.
If both parents are gone and they have someone else in charge of their children, then when they both come home from work they are in the same mood, this creates sympathy between parents, a kind of equal suffering and sacrifice together. More importantly, they both want to see each other and their children because neither has been around for a large portion of the day.
Your Kids Now Look Forward To Seeing You!
By far the greatest benefit of this setup is that your kids now look forward to seeing you.
Before, you were always just around so they were used to you being there and took you for granted just like you took them for granted.
Now that you’re out of the house and they only get to see you every other week or whatever your arrangement is, they no longer take you for granted. The quality time you spend with them…well…it actually turns into real quality time.
For the first time in awhile you’ll actually deliver on your promises. You look forward to seeing them and you’ll take them places and spend more time with them.
You’ll miss them and they’ll miss you and want to see you. It gives them something to finally look forward to. And in this day and age, everyone needs something to look forward to.
Interesting Findings about Divorce
Couples that share responsibilities, such as housework (probably children too), are more than 50% more likely to divorce. – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/28/divorce-rates-couples-who_n_1923623.html
Couples with children are less likely to divorce than couples without but couples without children are more happy. The increase in divorce rate between childless couples probably stems from how easy the process is and not having to consider the impact on children. In the end there are more married unhappy couples with children – http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700169249/Childless-couples-still-divorce-at-a-much-higher-rate-than-those-with-children.html?pg=all
Couples seem to focus on their children more than each other. Of course this isn’t always the case but it can happen. If it does, like you mention, sex life becomes non-existent and your social life get put on the back-burner. It is important to “add fuel” to your love life. But, this doesn’t always happen.