There are Two Ways to Handle All Relationship Problems

There are two ways to handle all relationship problems. You can try to change the other person or you can try to change yourself. Only one of these has a proven track record of success.

Let’s face it, no matter how perfect of a relationship you think you might be in, the chances of never having a disagreement are probably not even realistic. Let us assume that each person in a relationship is a unique individual and that each of you has some quantity of beliefs or values that differ from each other.

Let’s assume that you have different personalities, thought processes, and just generally a different way of going about things. You are different because your life experiences are different. The things you had to go through to get to where you are today were probably vastly different than the person you’re with. If they aren’t, then you should probably stop dating relatives…

Everyone has probably heard a phrase or cliche that goes somewhere along the lines of, you can’t change people blah blah blah or never try to change people blah blah blah. Most people don’t actually put any thought into what this means or where it came from, they just kind of repeat it like it’s some golden rule.

I’ll be straightforward with you. For the most part, you can get precisely what you want out of your relationship by changing yourself, but you can never gain anything but resentment for trying to directly influence or change another person.

People are only capable of changing themselves because their beliefs have changed, and beliefs are something you don’t want to try to directly confront anybody about.  A direct confrontation usually does the opposite of what you want.

When you directly challenge somebodies beliefs it can put them on the defensive and cause them to further reinforce their position in their mind no matter how stupid it may be to you.

People will defend all sorts of dumb ideas to their death, just look at Hitler or yourself.  I’m sure you’re full of some really dumb ideas and beliefs right now that you’ll defend to your death when challenged.  I’m sure you’ve also thought some dumb things at some point in your life that you changed.

The way you probably changed those things is by reading something or having an open discussion about it that lessened its credibility, which then caused it to fade, and eventually it disappeared.  Rarely will anyone change their beliefs when they are put on the spot and attacked for them, so don’t try it, you wouldn’t change if it happened to you, don’t expect that tactic to work on others.

I don’t get too serious about my own beliefs anymore, I like to stay open minded because I’ve come to the conclusion that the things you can know for sure are far and few and they usually have to do with yourself and not the world or others.

So while you work in the background of subtlety dropping hints, education, and experience on your significant other which will hopefully lead to some type of change in beliefs and a change in them — for the most part this method takes too long and wastes time.

Ever hear the quote, “Life is like a mirror, if you smile it smiles back?”

Well your significant other may not directly mirror your actions but it helps to understand that beliefs are nothing more than pre-programming for a person. It’s like their own little unique software. There are hidden codings in that software that the person you’re with may not be currently using or doesn’t frequently use. Those hidden codes are things that you may desire or be lacking in your relationship.

So how do you get access to these hidden programmings?

You can’t just command a person to change and fulfill your needs, that would be insane to try and very selfish. Your significant other is a unique individual not an extension of yourself!

The way you get to this hidden programming is by changing your actions. The things you say and the things you do are really significant. All of your actions, both passive and active, are merely inputs for their pre-programming. For everything you say and do they already have a set programmed response and reaction based on how each command is perceived.

While complicated, people are much more simple than they would want you to believe.  Nobody likes to be predictable, everybody wants to have some mystery to them, but the reality is most of the things they do are predictable behaviors based on there current beliefs.

I bet some of you reading this already know how your partner will respond if you say or do something for them, you can probably have a complete argument all by yourself while playing the part of your significant other or best friend and it will be pretty accurate portrayal.

Try reversing roles in an argument for fun, tell each other what the other person would typically do or say at each point in the argument and go back and forth.  You’ll be surprised and a little creeped out how spot on you are with each other.

What the hell does all this mean?

It means you can almost always get something you want by changing yourself, not necessarily changing your beliefs or values, but changing how you interact with your significant other. This changes the input commands they receive which then has the potential to unlock these hidden responses that you’ve wanted so badly.

Break the script, you are probably stuck right now in a completely predictable relationship where each person continues to do the same things over and over and the results are not going to change, you’re going to keep getting the same responses from each other.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein

For example, if lack of sex or intimacy is your problem, there is some way that you can act, or something that YOU can do to trigger a better response from your partner. And I’ll just go ahead and tell you right now, that whatever gets you in the mood for intimacy, is probably almost exactly the opposite of what gets them in the mood which is why you’re lacking intimacy in your relationship in the first place.

Now I can’t solve that puzzle for you so I won’t claim to be able to, but what I’m telling you to do instead of complaining to your partner about the lack of intimacy and putting pressure on them to change, that you instead focus on yourself and the realistic things you can do that won’t cause resentment.

Stop trying to override their innate programming and instead change the input you’re putting into their program.

Maybe, just maybe, you’re not very nice to them. Or maybe they have something else entirely going on and they are exhausted from work. Maybe you can help pay the bills by getting off your ass and getting a job to lessen their stress load. If not, maybe you can help them in some other way or if you’re really up to it, try sneaking some energy supplements into dinner.

Maybe you don’t know what turns them on and you should try different things like outfits, flowers, role playing, or anything else you’re willing to try — walmart has cheap car batteries and jumper cables.

I will go as far to say that the majority of the time, by simply changing yourself you can get the reaction from the person that you want and get your needs fulfilled. You can also stop arguments and other things by breaking from your traditional character and choosing a different role for yourself.

It becomes increasingly hard to argue with a tree, somebody that’s not responsive or fueling the fire. For some reason, most people feel insane if they argue with themselves, choosing to remain silent could be a pretty quick way to stop an argument.

You shouldn’t participate in bad dramas unless you’re an actor and you signed an employment contract, don’t get baited into another pointless argument, you don’t get paid enough and nobody is going to watch your play.

Stop fueling the fire and start experimenting to get the reaction you want. Of course this won’t apply to everyone and if you’re in a dangerous abusive relationship, use this at your own risk, some people are just crazy and there’s no hope for them.

The truth is, those that try to change others end up living a life of misery while those that work on changing themselves find greater success and happiness in their lives. You have control over yourself, but not over another person. Change the things you can, let the things you can’t change just be, because they are, always have been, and always will be.