Relationship equality has always been a touchy and strange topic for me. No, this article isn’t about men vs women and what roles each should play in a household, that’s not the type of equality I’m referring to.
What I’m referring to by equality is the effort and energy you put toward the relationship. I have finally begun to understand that different personalities place completely different values on their efforts and energy.
It’s almost as if the 5 Love Languages are showing through not just in relationship compatibility but in relationship effort and measurement. No longer are the 5 Love Languages just something to understand and exercise to communicate with your partner but they also seem to be measuring devices.
Back in 2014 I wrote another article on this topic called “When You Think You Do More Than Your Partner” which focused on how people value their contributions and being more understanding.
This time we will focus on the inverse relationship and try to examine its components.
If you’re one of those people that skim or don’t like to read philosophy but you’re looking for answers then this bold paragraph below will suffice as a good summary of this blog.
Your partner thinks they do as much or more than you because of the value they place on the things that they have done and how they feel afterwards combined with the fact that they are most likely NOT around for things you contribute and can’t possibly understand what you were thinking and doing that could equal their contributions.
Let us dive in then.
I have noticed that regardless of contributions, the measuring component is almost entirely responsible for how a person feels about their accomplishments.
To make an apples to apples comparison, literally, pretend you and another person pick apples for 8 hours a day. At the end of the day you picked 200 apples and the other person 100, but since you are in better shape, your exhaustion level may be 50 out of 100.
The person who picked 100 apples worked the same amount of time as you, got half as many apples, but at the end of the day they were in far less shape so the physical exertion put them at let’s say 90 out of 100 exhaustion level — they’ve used up almost all of their physical effort possible in a day.
Let’s pretend that the person who picked 100 apples, doesn’t know how many apples you picked because you were on the other side of the orchard, but they see you moving around and still working while they are just dead and need to rest.
Two things happen in their mind psychologically.
- They assume that they worked harder than you and most likely picked more apples. Because you aren’t tired, they naturally assume you took more breaks leading to more energy.
- Even if they didn’t pick more apples than you, they still exerted more physical energy (of their total) and the reason they got less apples is because their tree was harder to pick from and you had an easier time.
Your time and effort has been given value from their paradigm because most people don’t understand that not all people are equal. They look at you like wow if you got all that energy you should probably be doing more then.
This mentality happens a lot in relationships.
Sickness is another good example.
Some people can be deathly sick but refuse to lay down, will still accomplish their tasks, maybe even still go to work where they won’t milk their symptoms, and they’ll carry on as if they weren’t sick.
To another person, they will think that you are just not that sick, because when they are sick they have to lay down or rest, so when they are sick they expect you to wait hand and foot on them but didn’t offer that help to you at all.
This also happens in job situations where one partner stays home with children.
Oftentimes the partner doesn’t understand how difficult work is so they expect you to take over the children’s responsibilities upon arrival because they’ve had them all day and it was tougher than your job.
So you take over the household responsibilities with children and they go relax. You’re expected to take over their role but they aren’t expected to work 8 hours at a job or do any work like you did.
Inequality at its finest.
There are so many examples where the other partner disregards your effort by all measurable accounts. It doesn’t matter if you worked more hours than them, did more tasks, made more money, or by some other measurable way that a majority would agree is fair — you’ve blatantly contributed more than them.
Personalities, will power, ambition, drive, and your why.
These are all factors that drive people to contribute. If you have a stronger personality, more drive, more ambition, and the reason you’re doing things is more passionate — you will always contribute more than your partner.
The kicker is, the majority of the time you cannot fix this in a relationship.
Sometimes you can get your partner to understand your efforts, but if they think they are doing more, it will fall on deaf ears.
They are not built like you.
They say they know what it’s like but they have no experience to back it up.
If you’re running into this problem in your relationship, you have irreconcilable differences. Seriously, you are two completely different people.
Rather than be constantly upset or fight about it, if you stay, you have no choice but to accept that this is how it is and maybe over time your partner will come to their senses.
Meatloaf would do anything for love, but I don’t recommend you do this.
Life is short, find someone that has a better personality match. Someone that cares as much as you do, has the same goals, and the same drive.
Your reasons why don’t have to be the same but they must be powerful. Your interests don’t have to be the same, but they must have passion. Your goals don’t have to be the same, but they must lead you somewhere better.
Above all else, a person must have compassion for their partner and support them with that same ferocious drive and ambition that they use to achieve their life goals.
Otherwise, this situation will remain hopeless.
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